Thump, Thump, Thump...

We, well actually Tony (I can never really see that stuff on ultrasound so I'll have to trust him and the ultrasound tech), saw a heartbeat today!

According to our ultrasound we are due on August 25th which makes me 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant...

We will have another ultrasound next Wednesday to assess the development...

I am still having spotting here and there so I am using progesterone gel and they found that I have Lupus Anticoagulant. This is some sort of clotting disorder which made have made me lose the last two pregnancies. Basically I have to continue taking baby aspirin and I should be okay. They may prescribe Lovenox to treat this issue... We should hear about this later today or tomorrow...

We have never seen a heartbeat... This is so exciting and scary at the same time...

A Quick Update and a Warm Wish...

Spotting has stopped for now...

Ultrasound is on Monday, so only 4 more days until we can see what is up...

6 weeks pregnant tomorrow...

So scarred to be on this roller coaster again...

Tony and I are heading up north until Sunday night...
I'll update after the ultrasound...

Merry Christmas! Hope your day was wonderful!

PS: If all is going like it is supposed to:

Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet- still webbed like paddles- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

Fuck...

Bright red spotting...
Not good...
Shouldn't have fucking cleaned this morning...
Doc says to hang out with my feet up...
Merry Fucking Christmas...

I will regret these words...

I know I will regret these words someday soon, but I wish I felt more pregnant...
I wonder if there will be some point soon where I stop worrying so much about if this is going to work out. I know that worrying is pretty pointless because it is not like we can control these things anyway, but I just can't stop...
6 more days until the ultrasound...
Maybe then I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief...

Going Up...

Target was 1300...
HCG Level Today = 1667...
Going up!
Woot!
:)
Ultrasound Dec. 29th...

Waiting...

Anxiously waiting for the test results...

Snow Day!

Woot! Anyway... My test today was cancelled along with school because we got an assload of snow. On Monday my HCG level should be around 1300 hopefully.... I don't really feel like I am pregnant unlike the other times I have been, so I am hoping this is a good thing. I do have a bit of fatigue and the girls are tender but not unbearably sore. I want to get excited, but I am trying to contain it because it is horrible to be let down if something goes wrong... We haven't really kept it a secrete that I am pregnant. Tony has told people at his work and so have I. I am uncertain why we feel it is okay to share, especially considering our past, but it just seems right. I don't think we'll regret it even if we do experience another loss. Today I must do Christmas cards and go Christmas shopping and maybe take a nap. Thanks for all of your support. I'll update frequently especially because I am on break now!

Grrrr...

HCG test delayed until Monday due to nonexistent snow... I will respond to comments soon... So busy... 1 more day until break!

PS: This is my 100th post!

5 Weeks

5 Weeks Today...

HCG Level 163 (Tuesday)...

Repeat HCG Test on Friday.... Hopefully the level will be between 326 and 407...

I am so nervous... We are cautiously hopeful...

Your embryo (looking kind of like a tadpole) is starting to form major organs (heart, kidney, liver, stomach) and systems (nervous, circulatory, digestive). Baby's presence in your uterus triggers production of hCG (the hormone detected by pregnancy tests)... which triggers production of other hormones like estrogen and progesterone... which trigger all those great symptoms you've probably been noticing!

N

A

N

T

!

G

E

R

P

Test #5

Still negative...
And on another note... One thing I have been asking over and over and has even made me question my faith is the "why" question... Why has all of this happened to me? Why can't we just have a baby? I think I have my "why" answer...

Negative Again...

Unless I crack the test and tilt my head just right...

Pee Stick #4

My temp is still high (for all you non-charters, this is good) so no sign of the bitchy aunt anytime today...

Negative...

No Pesky Visitor... Negative Fucking Test... Pee Stick #3... 13ish days past ovulation...

Pee Sticks...

I have no idea when I ovulated...
I am recklessly peeing on sticks...
To my best calculation, I should be 12 days past ovulation...

Sunday again...

On Sunday there seems to be an annoy pattern developing in my (read Tony and my) house... This is the day the roommate chooses to have his lil' lovely over (read I have to give up my fucking kitchen to Suzie Q. Homemaker)...

Today I am fighting back... Passively aggressively (read aggressively)...

I am going to put my oven on a five hour cleaning cycle and I am taking all of my pots & pans to my mom's to wash them in regular water (we have very salty water)... I am also putting little sticky notes by each door reminding "people" to lock them when they leave... I am also leaving the paper towel and Windex out in the bathroom with a sticky note attached reminding "people" to clean the fucking mirror when the get toothpaste splatters on it...

This is just how fucking much of a bitch I am...

I bet you all are glad you don't live with me right now...

Off to make out some sticky notes...

Last class...

And I am blogging... I can't wait to be done with this! Anyway... My body is still a little bit crazy.... I am not sure if I ovulated this week or last week... If it was this week, there is no chance of a baby... If it was last week, maybe a baby... I had some weird spotting yesterday so I am hoping it is implantation spotting, but maybe it is was ovulation spotting. If it is meant to be, it will be...

Thanks Mom...

As I have mentioned in the past both of my brothers' wives are pregnant and are due only two weeks before I would have been had I not had m/c #2... My mom and I are planning a double shower on January 4th for them...

If I were pregnant, this would be a triple baby shower...

As you can imagine, the beginning of the new year is going to be tough...

My mom is so sweet and supportive... Today, as we were chatting on the phone, she said to me that I don't have to go to the shower... I am glad she said this because I would have went just so she could avoid all of the awkward "Where's Amy?"questions... She has lifted a tremendous amount of pressure off of my shoulders...

I am so excited for my niece(s)/nephew(s) to arrive, but it is so hard not to think about what should have been... I know that this type of thinking will not help me get over this and I am working through it, but progress is slow... Very slow...

I don't know if I will go or not... I want so desperately to show how truly excited I am for my brothers and sister-in-laws, but I am so sad that I don't think my excitement would really show.

We'll see what happens...

On a happier note... My last book class for my Master's is this weekend! Woot!

Woot!

Snow Day! Love it!

An Observation...

I didn't swear in the last four posts... That is not fucking like me at all!

Thoughts that Float Around in my Head...

Here is a list of thoughts that float around in my head semi-frequently...



1. Is God punishing me?
Am I really that horrible of a person to not deserve a child?



2. Does God exist?
If he does, why is he letting me (and many others) experience this hurt?



3. Will I be able to handle motherhood if I am ever blessed enough to be a mom?
Job, school, etc... Will I be able to provide a good home and childhood for my nonexistent children?



4. Is something wrong with me?
Or is it bad luck?



5. Why can't I just be ecstatic when I hear about truly deserving people becoming pregnant?
I am excited, but my knee jerk reaction is always to throw a pity party for myself.



6. If I get pregnant, will I actually be able to enjoy the time?
Will I be too worried about losing it?



7. If I get pregnant again and I lose it, will I make it?
The old saying goes what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger... But honestly feel like it might kill me...



8. If I get pregnant this cycle, my due date will be...
August 23rd if your were wondering...



9. If I wouldn't have miscarried, my babies would be...
Adorable, screaming, sleeping, playing, visiting Grandma? I never will know...

10. Does this ever get easier?
I am determined to start feeling more optimistic, but honestly... It just is not working

Thankful for...

I am thankful for my husband...

I am thankful for my parents...

I am thankful for my brothers and their wives...

I am thankful that I am going to be an aunt twice in February...

I am thankful that I have such great in-laws...

I am thankful for my BFFs...

I am thankful that I have a nice home...

I am thankful that both my husband and I are employed during these tumultuous times...

I am thankful that I am almost finished with my Master's degree.

I am thankful that I have all of the material things that make my life easier to live...

I am thankful I have this blog where I can express my feelings freely...

The list could continue... I know I often complain here, but reflecting on what I have, I truly have a lot to be thankful for... Enjoy your day!

Happy Thanksgiving

Finally a break...

Ahhhh... Finally a break... I love being a teacher for many reason, but the breaks may perhaps be my favorite... Tomorrow will be crazy like all holidays, but today I am home alone... No husband, no roommate... That my friends is priceless...

Deep Breaths...

I need to just take some deep breaths... Life has been a crazy emotional roller coaster lately. I am totally overwhelmed with everything and feel like I can't do anything really great...

Yesterday was a day... I was obviously upset when I walked into my house because I just cannot tolerate all of the things that are happening right now including having someone else take over my space...

I am a control freak, and even though I know that logistically I cannot control everything, I still get upset when things aren't just so... I really need to get my emotions under control, but I feel so frustrated and hopeless about everything...

I need to apologize to my roommate for being so emotional and down right bitchy yesterday evening, but I just am having a really hard time right now being cordial... I need my space to have my marriage... I need my space to grieve... I need my space to be alone in my thoughts...

Also, I think that Tony's lack of presence yesterday (and over the weekend I miscarried) really has effected me. I sort of feel abandoned in this process. I know that he is 100% on board with having a baby, but when it comes right down to it, he hasn't been there during the tough parts. Even when I made the RE appointment it was like it was a pain in his ass to get work off. I tried to explain how I am feeling, but he thinks that I am being irrational. He is a great guy and I never question his love for me, but when I am down these thoughts weigh heavy on my mind...

I know that my dedicated readers must be thinking "Wow, this lady needs a one way ticket to crazy town," but this blog is how I get it all out and is essentially is my therapy...

November will not be the month that we make a baby... Craziness prevails and there needs to be a calm before I charge into the next storm.

One Day... Two Posts...

You get two posts today...
So my husband went to beer camp this weekend and lets just say that I was less than trilled that I had to spend today by myself... Without him... But anyway... I made plans with my mom to go to Ikea to get away and to have someone to be with today... So this morning I got up extra early to do my normal Sunday housework because I knew I was going to be gone all day and would not have a chance to get it done later... Plus since Tony volunteered me to do Thanksgiving for his family, I thought I'd get a start to make my week less hellish...

I cleaned the kitchen... Scrubbed the microwave... Swept the floors... Dusted... Scrubbed the burn shit off the stove... Folded all of the laundry... Cleaned the mirrors... Cleaned the toilets... Scrubbed the shower...

Yes all at 7am...

And I fucking get home and my kitchen is a god damned disaster, the bathroom mirrors are a mess and their are fucking pubes on my fucking bathroom floor that aren't fucking mine.

The roommate and his lady decide to fucking cook a nice god damned extravagant meal.

I am shaking fucking mad and my fucking husband could give two shits... All he says is I fucking missed you and all I want to say is I am out of here...

I fucking hate my life right now... I hate how douchetastic my husband is being... I hate living in my home... I hate be an emotional wreck... and I mostly hate that I don't have the fucking baby that I should have delivered today...

I think I'll vacuum tomorrow at 5am...

A shitty day

Today I should be having a baby... My parents should be grandparents... My brothers should be uncles... Tony is nowhere around... I am going to Ikea... I fucking hate that today is like today and not the way it should be...

Today...

Today was our big appointment day and though I was nervous, it was incredibly relieving to talk with the specialist... 38 different test will be performed on me (actually my blood) on the 3rd day of my next period. Tony will have a blood test done as well... The doctor did not mention weight or lifestyle... He simply said, I want to help you have a baby... What a relief... He also said to start trying again...

Counseling is still awkward, but it might be something I consider sticking with... At least Tony won't have to deal with me venting to him...

Job... Crazy... Thanksgiving break is close... Can't wait!

School... Psycho, racist, professor... One more weekend of her bullshit...

Home... Messy... Roommate will be departing after the holidays...

Tony... Gone to Deer (Beer) camp this weekend...

I should be getting ready to have a baby... If my first pregnancy would have worked out, I would be delivering this weekend... or perhaps the little one would already be here...

Blogging from Class...

I am blogging from class... Obviously, I am engaged in learning this awesome material...

A lot is going on in my world, but not much in the baby area... I am finishing my last "book" class for my Masters degree. The next steps are to complete an internship and a thesis project. My internship was approved by my school (woot), but it is unpaid (grrr)... We have some money saved, but I am not looking forward to limited living. My thesis advisor is a great guy. I was 1 of the 5 that he chose to take on... I am pretty sure he is an old hippy, so he and I should get along well...

This week I went to see a counselor for the first time... Can we say awkward? It was really strange, but I have to do it for my Masters program and it will probably benefit me to see her, so I'll stick it out.

I also talked with the roommate last night about moving out. It felt like a step in the right direction. Tony and I just need the time as a married couple. I think it will take a lot of pressure off of me and hopefully after Christmas, I will get my house back. Tony's parents will be moving in soon for the Christmas tree season, but I know that if I can stick it out until after the holidays, things will get better, especially if John (the roommate) is out by then.

This week we have an appointment with our RE. Hopefully we'll get some answers. I am not really feeling like my body is back 100%, because my period has been extremely short and I am not convinced that I have been ovulating even though my chart says I have been. Also, my LP was only 9 days which is not really long enough.

Hopefully the appointment will be a step in the right direction, but I am afraid that they are just going to tell me to lose weight and my problems with magically disappear... Who knows... I will update after our appointment on Wednesday.

Starting a new cycle...

Well it is dreaded cycle day 1. This day always brings mixed emotions for me. This is a sign that my body is getting back to normal. I say "getting" because my LP (luteal phase) is quite short still. This is easily fixed with progesterone, but still, I wish my body were working 100% correctly like before. CD1 also means that in a few short weeks we can try to make a baby again. Even though this is the promising part, it still carries a lot of issues and worries. I wish it were really true that if I just "relax" would happen for us. If that were the case I would just schedule consecutive spa days...

Alone...

I spent Saturday alone... No roommate, no husband... Amazing!

Drinking...

This week has been extremely strenuous. I have felt really depressed and I am starting to give up on life. There has not really been any one event that is overwhelming me, but my marriage feels wobbly (we have been fighting like cats and dogs and I thing he drinks too much), the roommate situation is stressful (he is not a bad roommate, I just need my space), I am stressed out with school (I didn't pass that huge test), and work is busy (I am working on securing my internship plus being evaluated for tenure). It scares me that I feel this low, because I have had some pretty irrational thoughts about how to solve these problems at once. I have made calls to five more counselors to try and get in. None have returned my calls... Not one... I don't want to pull the S card to get in, but if I don't talk to someone soon, it may come to that...

Tony is gone for the weekend farming Christmas trees (a much needed break for us) and I opted to stay home and catch up on grading. Yesterday though, I decided to participate in our staff's garden club (this is what we call our drinking nights at the bar so students don't know what we are talking about) and this was a large mistake. The first stop was fine, 2 bottles of champagne fine... At the next stop, the liquor came out... Liquor is always a mistake for me... Always... As we were drinking we saw an old friend and of course the question came up...

Her: Are you pregnant?
Me: Um, No (As I wave my drink around)
Her: Oh, cause I heard that you bought like 20 dollar store pee tests!
Me: From who?
Her: Oh, no one (Obviously trying to avoid telling me)
Me: We'll I brought them to figure out if I were pregnant or if my body was still fucked up after the miscarriage. 60 day cycles makes you a bit curious.
Her: Oh, ok.
Me: So how about those Pistons? (Obviously trying to avoid the subject)

And that is when the night ended... I am not really comfortable in front of big groups and discussing my fertility in front of one makes me feel extremely awkward. I think that people are extremely judgemental about these things. I do have lifestyle habits that are not conducive to being pregnant especially now since the last miscarriage, but people fail to understand that I don't struggle getting pregnant, just staying pregnant... I rarely do anything detrimental during the week before I ovulate and the two weeks after I ovulate. Maybe I have a cup of coffee, but I rarely drink etc. and even though I am fat, that would not cause a miscarriage according to my doctor... So I drove home (Stupid, I know) to get out of the awkwardness and nicked a deer... Fuck... I hate deer... Lucky me no damage... I tucked myself in my empty bed and now it is Saturday and the last damn thing I want to do is grade those fucking papers...

AHHHHHHH!!!

My fucking husband...

Is being an asshole...

I get that guys struggle to understand how a miscarriage can affect women and I also know that I should be over this shit by now, but I am not...

Every part of me aches to have a child and each day is a reminder of what could have been...

I knew that he wouldn't remember when the first baby we were supposed to have was due, but I certainly do...

He doesn't get that when I lost my pregnancies, my dreams of becoming a mother were also lost... He doesn't get that losing your dream is one of the hardest things to lose... I lost my hope... I lost my happily ever after... I lost the ability to be in control of my emotions...

Even though these loses may only be temporary, it is hard right now...

I didn't expect a fucking pity party, but when I say "Honey, the weekend you are planning to go to deer camp is also the weekend when we were due the first time" I do expect for my husband to avoid being an asshole...

Sometimes I wonder if the reason God has said fuck you, you can't be a parent is because his infinite wisdom at work...

And a big fuck you goes out to my fucking ovaries for not releasing a fucking egg this month...

Nothing much...

Nothing much in the way of babies is happening around here. The doctor told us to wait until after this cycle to try again. I am not sure if we will or won't...

I don't usually do the what if bit because it gets me pregnant, but I have found myself asking, what if my first pregnancy had worked? I would be busting Tony's balls to finish the nursery no doubt... I would be massively huge and uncomfortable and I would still have that blissful ignorance about pregnancy.... Oh well...

Back to what is...

School is crazy. I took a massive comprehensive test over all of my grad school course work this weekend... I am certain I will be retaking this in December. It was hard and I didn't study... I still have to do counseling sessions and get my internship stuff around... Things are coming to and end. I know I will be glad I got this done before we have kids...

My job is going pretty well too... There are ups and downs, but I am 1/6 of the way through the year... Summer is just around the corner! I am organizing a massive fundraiser this week. I hope it lands me the title of Employee of the Month...

So this if life right now... Hopefully these posts will be about baby stuff again soon...

Patience (ˈpā-shənz) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances...

Today I got a call from the fertility specialist's office. The had to cancel my Monday appointment to November 19th... Boo!

The nurse did speak with me about payments though and I found out that I will only be responsible to pay my $5.00 copay for EVERYTHING... WOOT!

Apparently MESSA's (a division of Blue Cross/ Blue Shields) policy is different than Blue Cross/ Blue Shield's policy... Who knew?

At any rate, I can't wait for this cycle to be over because we can start trying next month. I am day 12 of 36ish... I pray that my body is going to be normal this cycle, but my temps are a little crazy and I haven't gotten used to taking them regularly yet...

Patience is a virtue right?

An awesome website...

Resolve. Org

I am blogging from class...
My thesis project is going to be an interesting undertaking...
Hangovers are not good...
Someone keeps farting... The silent but deadly kind... I have not been this sick since the last time I was pregnant...

Holy Batman!

30 different pages from the specialist came today for us to complete... I guess this means that they are pretty thorough...

As Promised...

More on the appointment and such...

We got referred to a specialist, but the doctor's "educated guess" is that our two miscarriages were just bad luck and she seemed optimistic for our future baby endeavors...

She has given me back some of the hope that I had lost... The doctor and I had a great conversation and I am so glad I have a great doctor to help me through this...

The worst news of the day was when the doctor told us to wait one more month... I trust her and this is a journey not a quick trip for us so we will deal with the disappointment and wait...

I am on baby asprin and she said that I could use the progesterone after I ovulate in case low pro. was the problem... This seems like a step in the right direction...

After the appointment, I was close to Babies'R'Us so I ventured in... I owed baby Beckham (My BFF'S lil' guy) a being born gift. I really needed to do this sooner (he was born on 8-8-08), but I just couldn't... I got him the cutest little outfit... It is super snuggly.

I really have always loved shopping at Babies'R'Us, not because I have needed to, but because I love to dream about the future with our little baby...

For tonight things seem okay... My period has ended almost as quickly as it came and I am back to charting again... I am glad things are progressing...

Follow-up on the Follow-up...

Today I had the follow-up appointment with my doc. Things started out less than great... Got to wait between a freaking happy couple expecting their first and a high school senior expecting her first. How fucking happy for everyone except me... Then they weighed me... Really? I am just here to talk with the doctor... Dear evil nurse: If you want to know my weight, I will tell you...

Anyway... Testing talk occurred, but as expected insurance will only cover those tests if we have 3 miscarriages...

Doctor said that she thinks it was just bad luck twice...

We were also told that we should wait another month statistically speaking for the best results... So no July baby for the Murphs...

More to come tomorrow... Right now I gotta get some snuggling time with the husband...

Attention Ladies and Gentlemen!

Warning: This is a TMI Post...

The red visitor has reared her head! If we get pregnant this cycle, we'll be expecting a baby late July...
Back to charting...
Back to trying...
If Tony was okay with the adoption option, I'd be all over it...

Off to a wine weekend up-north in TC...

Still messed all the fuck up...

No.Period.Yet.

FUCK!

I have my follow up on Monday. We should find out what our next steps are.

My dad talked with me today as we ponder a possible move to Cali... He said that I cannot go because he wants to see his grandkids... I gently reminded him that at this rate it is highly unlikely that he will ever have grandkids from me...

It has been 46 days since I passed the failed birth and I am at the point that I can function, but I still carry an overwhelming sadness around in my heart...

Ignorance is bliss... I am no longer ignorant about the struggles of trying to become a mother. Bliss will never get to be a part of pregnancy for me...

Tony and I were talking the other day about the comment "At least you can get pregnant" and for a moment we agreed that it was a blessing that I indeed could get pregnant, but then I came to my wits and said that it is more like a cruel joke than a blessing for me...

Oh and for those you wondering... I have went through 8 Peesticks... I am, without a doubt, not pregnant...

Losing Faith...

It has been awhile...

I am losing faith in this whole process...

I miscarried at the end of August and I still am dealing with the waiting game. I have not gotten my period yet nor does a pregnancy test read positive. I think I've peed on 6 sticks this week and I have huge regrets that I didn't choose to chart....

I hate that my body is being so fucking pissy...

I on different note, I did get to see both of my sister inlaws' ultrasound of their perfect babies... They are half way there...
I should be too...
My nieces or nephews are the cutest, I have already spoiled them with Dairy Queen!

There is talk about the baby showers already and I can barely stomach the thought of getting through those days...
Hopefully we can do a double shower for them since they are due only days apart...

I still fight the tears... I can't believe that this has happened to me, not once, but twice...

Work (Teaching) is going well... I am thinking about applying for a new job as a counselor in a neighboring district... They get out of school on Memorial day and the school is located only minutes from my house...

School (Masters classes for school counseling) is going okay because we are on break right now... Big program test on October 25th then an internship... I am so close to being done!

Roommate has paid rent through the end of this month so he'll be around for at least 30 more days... Still no housekeeper out of the deal yet...

Seriously considering a move to Cali... Both our moms cried... Hard to let your babies go...

That is what is rockin' in my world... For all of your that read... Thanks for listening to me as I go through this...

Slow But Sure...

My last miscarriage left me pretty jaded on the whole baby-making deal, but I am getting used to the idea of trying again...

I personally would be okay with the adoption option, but Tony is not so keen on the idea so I have a follow up appointment on Oct. 13 in which testing options will be discussed...

I still have not gotten my period yet and it has been 42 days since the whole ordeal started. I am trying to be patient with my body, but I feel like it is betraying me again by not moving on already...

I got to see my niece or nephew via ultrasound today...

So proud to be an aunt...

So sad to not be a mom...

I carry pain in my heart still and I am afraid it will never leave...

Little helps, but the busyness of life has been a good escape...

I will call a counselor later this week. I have to get in some hours for my Master's program, so I may as well use the time for something important. I feel so disappointed with myself because I can't just get over it...

Thank you for letting me know...

Yes...
I can get pregnant...
However...
It really doesn't help me have a baby...
Believe it or not...

WTF

Dear Body,
Am I ovulating or not? Just askin' because I am on cycle day 30 something and I should have already had the damn red-headed visitor by now, but since you are throwing out ovulation signs I have no fucking clue what is up.
Fuck you,
Me

PS: No, I am not pregnant...

Stupid Mail...

What did I sign up for to get mail that reads "A gift for your upcoming due date"...
Seriously... I don't need diapers or formula checks...
So STOP FUCKING SENDING THEM!

Two Things...

1 - My husband is so awesome... Tonight, when a friend announced she was pregnant, he called to give me a heads-up before I got to our party so I didn't have to get the news in front of anyone... So thoughtful!

2 - I may be ovulating. Woot! Woot! My body may be getting back to normal soon... And if Tony and I decide to rebel against doc's orders of waiting one cycle before trying again, we might be on the baby boat...

"Life is like the world gone backwards, you take the test then learn the lesson."
Unknown

Growing Closer...

I feel that through all of the junk that has happened with trying to conceive our first, my husband and I have grown closer. I have come to depend on him more than I have in the 11 years we have been together. I have never relied on him like I do now. It is comforting to know that he's got my back even if I am a mess. Right now he has started his grad classes and even though he is having a hard time adjusting, he has went above and beyond to make certain that I am okay...

If nothing comes of all this heartache of TTC, I will at least have grown closer with him...

This being said... I kind of want to hit him right now for being so fucking stubborn...

Get the fuck out of my kitchen...

A message to my roommate's current fling:

Get the fuck out of my kitchen...

And have your fuck buddy pay September's rent...

Stress can't be good for making a baby right?

Maybe all this bitchiness is a sign of PMS...

Update:

This post was a result of pent up anger...

My roommate is a pretty good guy and his girl made a nice dinner, but the stress of not have any space or privacy is getting to me. I really just am not doing well sharing my space when all I really want/need is some solitude...

I want to be able to feel comfortable in my home again, but instead I am stuck in a little room and the kitchen is my only other escape. I have given up a good majority of my house and I am not will to give up the kitchen...

Plus, Tony is under stress that cannot even be measured and so life is anything but pleasant right now...

Tension is high in our household, but hopefully this will pass soon.

Baby Time

Last night I got some baby time in with my BFF's little guy. He is five weeks old and just adorable! Holding him reminded me of how badly I want to be a mom...

Dear God... Do you hate me?

Dear God...

Do you hate me?

Just asking... Because, seriously, allowing totally incompetent people to have perfect bubbly babies and fucking me over is really making me think that you hate me...

I know I sound really selfish and petty, but I don't think I wouldn't be this way if you only gave babies to those who really deserved them. I think dealing with this shit may be easier if life were like that...

And I am writing this on behalf of all people who are struggling to become a parent...

And on a more grateful note... Thank you for at least giving the parenting privilege to some in my life that truly are wonderful people...

Sleep...

So, I am wodering if, when I finally do become a mom, I will be able to handle the lack of sleep a baby brings. I am so tired and honestly all I did was went to work today and then to the store. Lameness... 5:30am kicks my ass!

I love naps.

Busy...

Just as I suspected... Being in school has helped me focus on other things. I still think about it (the miscarriages) daily, but I have no time to dwell...

I have no child... I won't for a while... My body sucks... Things could always be worse and things could always be better...

An update on Don Spoor... They found him yesterday...If you have extra money, his family would be a good cause... Click here to read more about him and his family...

To my loyal readers, if there are any out there... Comments seriously are okay to leave and also at some point this blog will take on a more positive tone...

:) See... I can smile... Finally... A little...

I am an Idiot...

One week down 35 more until summer break... Yup, I am counting already. This week has sucked. I have been battling a sinus infection. My students are little squirrels. To top it all of, today I had my grad class and one of my classmates congratulated me on being pregnant. I am an idiot and started sobbing... Not just tearing up, but runny nose, puffy eyes sobbing... I have no idea why this was so hard to handle today. I actually thought I was doing better. Guess not.

The whole incident has me furious at myself... After witnessing the zip line tragedy my loss seems small. That man (Don Spoor) had four kids and a wife that are surely suffering more than myself and only three short years ago my aunt and uncle lost six kids in the house explosion, and yet I am upset over something as little as this... I lost something that wasn't even alive and I can't pull myself together. I am so pissed at myself for this. My loss is small compared to what many people have experienced in their lifetime, so why is it that I am taking it this hard? Why can't I just get over it already?

Fuck...

Sick of Sadness...

I have a couple of updates...

First, the man that I posted about the other day has still not been found. I am so sad for him and his family. He had four children and one was disabled. I truly am hurting for his family, especially his wife who was a stay at home mom. Click here for an updated story. This event was something I wish I had never witnessed. I wish we could have done something and I feel immense guilt that it took so long to get this guy help. Honestly, I feel like this event has put somethings into perspective for me. I am thankful that I have my family and friends with me and I am so thankful for the unconditional love of my husband. I could never imagine losing him and I am glad he did not do that dumb ass zip-line trick into the river like he wanted.

Next, my HCG level is at a 35. It is going down but I am still spotting. I am so frustrated and I just want my body to go back to normal. Part of the test have arrived from the fetal material (aka: the baby) and the results told us absolutely nothing. Awesomeness... Fuck... Still no answers at why my body sucks...

Finally, I am back to school and in the swing of things. I feel like more of a zoo keeper than a teacher with my classes this year. I am hoping these students whip into shape sooner rather than later. I miss my buddy who is out on maternity leave and I feel like our new teachers hate us. My new classroom is great because it has 11 computers, but I miss my old home because it was so big and roomy. There have been a lot of changes this year and I kind of feel overwhelmed. I have an awesome roommate which makes all of this so much better, plus I still have my old buddies who stop by and say hi and goodbye because my class is close to the doors. The best part about the first day was that my husband sent me flowers. They are beautiful and I should post a picture. He again wins the greatest husband award. :)

Tragedy...

So the weekend was pretty eventful. Even though I had a pissy attitude going into it, being around friends was a surprisingly nice escape. Friday consisted of a campfire and a bottle of champagne and Saturday we went wine tasting in TC. Sunday we decided to continue the drinking theme and went tubing in the Manistee River. We saw some crazy shit. Snakes, turtles, bugs and a guy that died... No shitting... On the get away that was supposed to help us forget about sad things... Click here to read the story... Fucked up shit! Seriously... We were floating down the river with our beverages and approach this group of people along the river doing a little zip cording into the river like this...

At first glance, this looked awesome... Then a obviously skilled, but drunk group member attempted this and did a head first flip into the rushing water. We noticed that he had never surfaced, but his group of friends did not seem concerned because apparently he was a very skilled swimmer and they thought he was playing a prank. It was no prank... This man bobbed up to the surface for a moment and that was the last he was seen as of yet. We scoured the river, but we were unable to find him. We had no phone so it took quite sometime to contact 911... This was a horrible tragedy to observe and I wish we would have reacted more quickly. We may have been able to help in some way... His name was Bob and he was 33 years old. I hope that his family is going to be okay through this senseless event.

A get away...

But not really. I am going up north for the weekend. Aw, how nice that we are taking some time to regroup and be a couple huh? Not exactly... We get to got hang out with his friends for the whole fucking weekend. It is not that his friends aren't some really awesome people, but I just need sometime to heal with my husband or maybe without him. I really don't know, but I know that continuing this happy fucking facade is too overwhelming. I can't be myself and just morn anytime. During the day my roommate is here and at night Tony gets pissed that I am still upset. He fails to realize that my body is still going through this and I am not over it. Oh well... Off for a fucking great weekend...

Poked Again...

Not that kind of poked! You pervs! Today I got poked for hopefully my last HCG test in regards to this pregnancy. My bleeding has tapered to spotting and I am physically feeling better. Emotionally, I am sad... I feeling like a gray cloud is always looming over me. Today, at the doctor's office, I barely held it together. I don't really know why, but out of the blue I started to tear up. Being back to work has helped, but I still am sad. I asked Tony if he thought I was taking this too hard, but he did not answer. He just mentioned that we've been through a lot. I am really thinking about counseling. I just can't shake this sadness.

A knife fight...

I think there might be a knife fight happening in my uterus.

Gross...

I will start this post by saying THIS IS GRAPHIC... If you can't handle it, it is totally understandable. I created this blog for two reasons... First, I needed to express my emotions but I could not do this verbally. This blog is an outlet for me to be unapologetically raw about my feeling and what I am going though. Secondly, I needed to be able to document what is going on physically with my body so I can report to my doctor accurately. Hopefully, in this future this blog will be a place where I share all of the joyous events that accompany parenthood, but until then you get to hear about this shit...

Okay so here is the graphic part...

For those that are skipping it, I'll give you the non-TMI update at the bottom of this post...

I warn you, you may look at me differently after reading this...

TMI Start

Even though I knew around week 7 that this was not going to be a viable pregnancy, I have not really exhibited any signs of miscarriage before this week. I have been spotting since Sunday (10 Weeks)... First it was brown then by Monday it had turned pink which was a good sign that things were progressing. On Tuesday & Wednesday I had what would equate to basically a light period with bright red bleeding. On Thursday I had major cramps toward the evening and the bleeding had picked up slightly. On Friday, I woke up with few cramps, but as the day progressed they became a bit more severe. On Friday I passed what I thought was the majority of fetal material. As my doctor order, I bagged it and refrigerated it so it could be tested.

Yes, I put it in my refrigerator...

Yes, it is gross beyond belief...

But I had no choice, the lab doesn't open until Monday...

After I passed the mucus-like tissue on Friday, I still had cramping so I took 4 Advil and a hot shower and went to bed. Saturday morning I woke feeling bloated but I had less bleeding, the cramps had subsided and I was feeling better. As the evening came, I was still feeling well. No cramps... Until 11ish... Then I started getting some strong pains so I went to the bathroom. During this time, I passed the grossest lump of a muscle-like mass out of my vag. It was oval shaped and maybe 1 inch round by 4 inches in length. I do believe that this was the gestational sack. Honestly, this is one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen, but per doctor's orders I bagged it and let it chill with the other stuff.

I really hope this was the biggest part...

Honestly, I am glad that this is finally coming to a close for me...

TMI End

For those of you that skipped the TMI part, I definitely miscarried on Saturday evening...

Next steps: Stop bleeding & acquire a negative HCG test...

It is official...

If I ever do carry a child successfully until delivery, I will be using every drug they are willing to give me to get the baby out of me. If it is this bad at 10 weeks, fuck 40 weeks. For all of my friends, please remind me of this post when I start talking about going naturally if I ever get to that point... Fuck that shit!

The Shadow Side of Motherhood...

In the May 2008 issue of Redbook...

I really could have written this myself...

The Shadow Side of Motherhood

I lost my first pregnancy — and almost lost myself. I'd only known I was pregnant for a matter of weeks when the cramping started. Still, What to Expect When You're Expecting was already dog-eared, and my copy of Sears and Sears's The Pregnancy Book looked like it had survived multiple generations of moms-to-be. Miscarriage, however, had been only a footnote in my reading.I was in bed, and the white sheets beneath me turned red. My husband called the hospital and our obstetrician was paged. My physician, a seasoned veteran, was nonchalant: "Yep, it sounds to me like she's miscarried. Come on in first thing in the morning.

The next day, we returned home from the doctor's office, where they'd confirmed the obvious via ultrasound. The excitement that had hung in the air was replaced by a fuzzy melancholy, and sadness for something lost. My husband tucked me into the couch with a blanket, carefully removing the stack of pregnancy books from the coffee table in front of me. I absently flipped through a catalog, crying when I came across baby clothes I had circled in blue ballpoint. As the intense physical pain faded into lingering depression, this is how I passed my days: I stared into space, lost interest in keeping the house tidy, and sat morosely at the dinner table each night. I felt let down by all the magazines, books, and, worst of all, the other women around me. Why hadn't anyone told me to fear this? Or how profoundly it would hurt, and how the feelings of grief would overwhelm me?

Many months later, my husband came into our bedroom, where I'd been spending most of my time; I slept 10, 12 hours a night, but was always drowsy. He looked over at me, crying, having lost not only the dream of a child but his wife as well. I opened my eyes to see him staring at me, begging, "Baby, come back." Though the child we lost was gone forever, I realized then that it was time for me to return.

I am getting there...

Today and yesterday have been extremely painful for me. I started cramping pretty severely when I got home last night and continued this morning. Though it hurts, I know that my body is doing what it needs to do...

Friends Rock!

I guess I took a little break from writing. I think I have been just going with the flow and trying to keep myself busy so I avoid thinking about this mess. I have finished setting up my classroom and organized the bills I have been putting off for the last month. The spotting has picked up, but I know that the worst is yet to come still because (TMI Start) I haven't really passed anything substantial (TMI Over). Last time it started slowly and lasted for about 12 days so I am hopeful that my body finally isn't failing me.

Emotionally, I think I am finally coming out of my funk a little bit. I am starting to be less moody (Tony may disagree) and I feel like I can finally just breathe a little. It is still hard, but over the last few days I am starting to accept this more and my anger and self pity are subsiding. I had really nice conversations with three friends over the last couple of days and I feel that those conversations have really helped. Even though this situation sucks, it makes me appreciate that God has put such awesome people in my life to help me get through the rough times.

Fuck You Ultrasound Tech!

A big fuck you to the ultrasound tech today...

Douche Move #1: "How is your day"
Fuck you, it is shitty... I am verifying that the baby I want so much is non-existent

Douche Move #2: "Are you ready to see your baby"
Yes... Are you God? Can you make that happen? Can't you fucking look at charts before you deal with me?

Douche Move #3: "We'll things look good and you should be around 6 weeks"
Really? Actually, I should be around 10 weeks you fucking incompetent bitch.

Douche Move #4: "I can't let you see the screen, this is a medical procedure"
The last tech let me watch... What the fuck? I understand you have to do your thing and this procedure is not for my entertainment, but for fucks sake I need to feel 100% confident that this pregnancy is not progressing before I decide to end it.

I wanted so badly to take my foot out of the stirrup and kick her in the fucking face...

I didn't... I should have...

I figured that spending time in Flint's jail would probably only make things worse that they already are...

Anyway... I started spotting brown yesterday and now it has changed to pink... I postponed the D&C in hopes that my body is finally going to do something right...

I also am no longer being avoided... I think those thoughts may have been irrational and due to hormones... Maybe... I am feeling more optimistic about the situation whatever the case...

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
~Eleanor Roosevelt~

Fuck Everything...

Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Why am I struggling with this?
Why is he over it?
Why can't I get over it?
I wish I could just end it all...
All the pain and all of the hurting...
All of the fighting...
Everything...
Does this even matter to anyone but me?
I have never been the poster child for happiness and this is just bringing me down to a place lower than I have ever been...
I just want it to be over...

Ignored...

An open letter to...

Can I tell you how hard it is to be ignored? Seriously... I understand that it is uncomfortable to talk to me, especially since you are due only a couple of weeks before I was, but it totally sucks donkey balls to be ignored. I would love to know about your good news of hearing the heartbeat. Contrary to what you may believe, I am not some monster that wishes harm upon your pregnancy. I am truly happy that your dreams are coming true even though mine have been robbed from me twice. I am not heartless, just babyless... My bad luck will not rub off on you. For fucks sake am I really that intimidating? Are my tears really that much of a hassle for you to deal with?

Anyways...

Beta level update: 13,000...
Ultrasound needed on Monday...
Pregnancy #2 officially over on Wednesday, August 20th, 2008.

Coming to a Close...

This whole mess is coming to a close soon. I had an appointment today and got my betas drawn. If they have increased, even a little, I will need to get an ultrasound to confirm a non-viable pregnancy. The ultrasound will take place on Monday if needed. If the beta number drops, I will be scheduled for surgery on Wednesday. I am still scared shitless of the surgery. I have this bad gut feeling that something will go wrong. I have even dreamed that this will be how I die. Dramatic much? Anyway... The results will be in tomorrow before noon. For peace of mind, I really would like another ultrasound, but we'll see what happens. This sucks so much. I am totally numb and I am having a difficult time functioning. I hope this gets better soon...

Grrr...

Really I should be over this, but 89% of my day today was spent crying... What is so different about today? I have no idea... I have an appointment tomorrow to get my D&C scheduled... I wanted to do it naturally, but my body says fuck you... I say fuck you to my body...

Brave...

I knew that visiting my BFF'S baby boy would take a bit out of me. I handled myself pretty well during the visit and I was lucky enough to be the only visitor at the time. I really am yearning to be a mom and seeing this perfect family made me incredibly sad that it isn't working so well for me. This week I will schedule a ultrasound to verify that no growth has occurred and then I will schedule a D&C. I feel like I have to do this before school start because I just can't deal with it once I'm back.

Weeks...

I will give an update about my baby visit tomorrow...

If I would not have lost my first pregnancy, I would be 26 Weeks along...

If I would not have lost this pregnancy, I would be 9 Weeks along...

THIS FUCKING SUCKS...

My Project...

Right now I am madly working to get my classroom ready for the start of school. I am not really certain why I am doing this because I have 3 more weeks before I go back. I think that doing this project is a nice distraction from grieving and I also think that I might be getting close to agreeing to the D&C surgery. I know that it is silly to feel scarred, but I am. I am afraid that I will react badly to the anesthesia or not wake up from it. I am also afraid of blood clots and of scaring that will prevent pregnancy in the future. I really want to do this naturally, but I know I can't do this during school. Emotionally, it will be just too much. With no signs of spotting, I know that I will have to make a decision soon. I just wish it would happen naturally... I guess I fail at being pregnant and at miscarrying both...

Seeing Babies...

Today my BFF had her little boy. I think she may have been afraid to call and tell me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but even though I have insurmountable sadness for my losses I am ecstatic for her and her family. When people have miscarriages, I don't think they loath everyone who has babies, just the people who really shouldn't IE: drug-users, idiots, who abuse children, and the asshole parents at Wal-Mart that are in desperate need of parenting skills. Seeing that little boy tomorrow will no doubt remind me of my loss, but at some point I am going to have to get used to the thought that I may never be in that position and I think that I will want to be around supportive friends to do that. I know I will my visit will be short and I know afterwards that I will cry, but I think that seeing them so happy will restore a little hope in my world right now.

What to Say...

Many close family members have cut ties with me at the moment. I truly believe that this is because they don't know what to say. Here is a little guidance...

What to Say
"I'm sad for you."
"How are you doing with all this?"
"This must be hard for you."
"What can I do for you?"
"I'm sorry."
"I'm here and I want to listen."

What NOT to Say
"You're young, you can have others."
"You have an angel in heaven."
"This happened for the best."
"Better for this to happen now before you knew the baby."
"There was something wrong with the baby anyway."

Hormones...

So let me tell you about all of the fun that I am having... Even though this pregnancy is not viable, I get to deal with pregnancy hormones until my body decides it is time to let go of this pregnancy. Yesterday I woke up queasy and crabby and today I am bloated and gassy. My breasts are just finally getting to the point where the pain is bearable. My husband fails to realize this aspect of the process and I kind of want to drop kick him for his shortcomings. I must remember that he has been so good to me. At this point, I have not been talking with him much about what I am going through because his way of dealing is by moving on as quick as possible. I however need to get my feelings out by talking and I don't really have anyone to do that with. People really don't want to hear about it. I feel like they think I am being dramatic, but for me this loss was so immense to me. To want to be something so badly and then have your body fail is frustrating. I just feel so isolated in my grief.

No Words...

This picture explains it better than I can...

Fuck...

Fuck Today...

That's right... Fuck today... Why? You ask... Because no matter how much I think about all this, I still can't figure out why God is doing this to us. I think he hates us maybe... It is bad enough that I am struggling through my second loss, but then I am tortured with choosing between waiting for this to happen or get a fucking abortion... Even though they call it a D&C, it is really the same thing. Then on top of everything, I get to watch two people in my life, who are very close to me, be pregnant. Now, it is not that I wish they weren't pregnant or that somethings goes wrong, because I want it to work so badly for these people, they deserve it. It is too much to handle for me. I will meet my niece(s) or nephew(s) knowing full well that I should deliver their cousin only two short weeks after their birth. I will plan and attend stupid ass baby showers only to be asked by asinine family member about when I am planning to have children. Fuck life right now... I am so pissed off.

PS: I know that my grammar blows the big one in this post... Deal with it... Also, I am being evasive with names because the two close people haven't really shared that they are pregnant with everybody yet.

Damn, Damn, DAMN...

So disregard yesterday's entry... I have not started the process yet. Now, I know this is a lot of information to be sharing but truly this is a big part of this process. I only have two more weeks to do this, if I can't, my doctor is going to knock my ass out and do it for me. This is NOT something I want to go through. I hate hospitals and I frequently have nightmares about them. I know that this isn't an uncommon fear, but to me it is paralyzing. I will call to schedule an ultrasound on Friday of this week if nothing has happened yet. I refuse to have the doctor do this. I truly believe that my body is capable of doing this itself. I have already failed at being pregnant, I don't want to fail at miscarrying too...

Something Almost Good...

I have started spotting today! Overall this is good because it means that this hellish nightmare is ending... I woke up this morning with mild cramp. Online research and my doctor tell me this will become much more painful. I can't imagine the physical pain will even come close to matching the emotional pain though.

Pregnant Women and Babies...

Pregnant women and babies are fucking everywhere. Before I thought these were the two cutest sights ever, but now it makes me sad. It feels like I will never get to that point. I fucking hate leaving the fucking house because I just can't stand to see that kind of happiness right now. So many people are pregnant around me and I am just not handling it well. I am so happy for them, but my heart hurts for the loss that I am experiencing. I know Tony is still sad, but it is so much easier for him to just forget about it an move on. He really has not even mentioned it since like Tuesday. He is just dealing with me being a basket-case and trying to avoid any mention of it. We all have our ways of dealing I guess. Anyway, today I am staying home so I don't have to deal with seeing anyone plus I have this massive paper due today that I haven't even started. My mind has been focused elsewhere.

A hard day...

Today is a hard day... I woke up and just felt really sad about everything that is happening... I want it to be over...

One day at a time...

I am trying to forget about what is happening in my life. Forgetting all of this would be so nice. Currently my body is not cooperating with the "let's just get this over with" attitude I have. I have had no spotting since Sunday. Now, a week ago, God would have been doing me a favor by preventing any spotting, but right now he is just being cruel. I have to get this miscarrying business done in 3 weeks. If I can't, my doctor is going to make me go under and I am terrified of that. I know that this can take a while, but the physical act of miscarrying will be a great help in my moving on process. Now that I have that little vent out, I must devote sometime to speaking about how great my husband is. If I did not have his support, I would be a mess. I mean other people have been so nice to me, but he is experiencing this with me firsthand. He really understands what this loss means to me because it is his loss too. He doesn't tell me that everything is going to be okay and that God has a plan... By the way I hate when people say "God has a plan" because it feels like right now God's plan is to shit on on Tony and I. Tony is grieving too, but he has put my needs above his own and for that he wins "The Greatest Husband Ever Award". Oh well, enough for today... I am going to bake banana bread to take my mind off of this stuff. I also think that I am going to go sign-up for Curves. Maybe a good old workout will release the perfect amount of endorphins to bring me out of my funk and get me healthier for next time.

Gone, Going, Gone...

Just as we suspected, this pregnancy is gone. Well actually going... I am waiting to miscarry. Yesterday the ultrasound showed a non-progressing pregnancy. The doctor started talking about my "options", but none of them included having a beautiful baby in my arms in March. I cannot express how sad I am. I don't feel like getting out of bed or talking to anyone. Even Tony's hugs can't fix this. I am so out of it. I find myself doing things but not remembering... It feels like there is a lump of emotion inside of me that no amount of crying can push out. People say "It will happen", "You're young", "It is for the best", "At least you can get pregnant" and I want to tell them to Fuck off... Really, if you don't know what to say in a situation, stick with "I am sorry".

Crushed...

I am crushed. I am certain this is miscarriage number two... I go in on Monday to get another ultrasound but I already know the results. I am holding it together but not very well. I am really just crumbling inside. How am I going to get through watching other people being pregnant? Some people I am very close with are going to be delivering their babies while I will be empty... Nothing inside of me... I want for the hurt to stop... I am so distraught... I can't hug and feel anything anymore. It is like am going through the motions but my mind is a million miles away. What am I going to do when people ask "When are you and Tony going to have kids?" Should I say that I've had two, but they got flushed down the toilet or thrown away with the trash? I knew life was difficult, but why? Why two times? Why me? Why not those who choose to use drugs while they are pregnant? Is this my punishment for being overweight or not going to church enough? I feel like such a failure. I can't make my husband a father... I can't make our parents grandparents. I can't be a mom to my own child...

Another Test...

So Tuesday's ultrasound showed a gestational sac that doubled in size, 1cm, and a developing yolk sac. The technician said that this seemed somewhat normal, but Dr. Hardas seemed pretty bleak. We were really hoping to see a fetal pole, but no such luck. I am so drained and depressed from all of this. Maybe it is because of my size that this is not going so well... I don't know. I got poked again to test my HCG levels and the damn lady left a bruise. The level should be around 20,000 but I won't get the results until later this afternoon. I am hoping for anything above 17,000. My spotting continues on and off very lightly, but enough the freak me out and make me worry. I have another ultrasound on Monday.

Update: 10,469... Not even close to where it should be... My heart is hopeful, my head is preparing for my second miscarriage...

Inconclusive Results...

I got the test results from my second HCG test and the number was 5118. This number should be at least double that of the last HCG level (2658), but it is not. I am absolutely baffled. I don't know if this is okay or if I am doomed to lose this pregnancy too. I also got put on another prescription for a bacterial infection... Fun... I am also still spotting lightly. Tuesday I have another ultrasound and hopefully that will clear things up, but I am not betting on it because every time I think I will have a definitive answer about this being a viable pregnancy, I am grossly incorrect. Tony's positivity is amazing. He is trying to keep me optimistic. I just hope we are not prolonging something that isn't healthy.

Results of the first appointment...

The doctor did an internal and said things feel fine. I also got my blood drawn so they could see my progesterone and HCG levels. Both were slightly low so we are working to bring the progesterone levels up. After using the progesterone suppository (TMI sorry) I had major bleeding. I freaked and called the doctor so she ordered and ultrasound this morning. We saw the sac which is a good sign. Tomorrow I will get blood drawn again and hopefully the HCG level will continue to increase. I pray this works... I can't go through another miscarriage...

Here we go again!

I am pregnant! We are cautiously getting excited! I hope this works out for us. I asked Tony what he was doing for St. Patrick's day next year and he gave me a blank stare... When I said that he should plan to be in the hospital holding his baby, he got a huge grin and squeezed the bejeezus out of me. I have an appointment on Monday to confirm. More news to come soon...

May

So May brought no baby news, which was very disappointing. I am pretty used to getting the big fat negative, but this time Tony was really disappointed. A March baby would be nice so we'll keep our fingers crossed.

Ready?

Are we really ready?

This is the question I have been obsessing about over the last several weeks. Financially, we'll be okay. Timing is not exactly perfect with my impending internship, but we could manage. Marriage wise, I know we love each other, but we bicker (fight actually) a lot about stupid stuff. Lately we have been at each other's throats. I am not sure if the fighting is due to work related stuff or if the stress of a new roommate has gotten to us, but I'd really like our marriage to be as strong as possible before we add to our family. It seems like the tension would not make for a very happy home. Another one of my concerns is that we are young (sort of) and still have many partying habits. I know without a doubt that these could easily go for me, but I am not so sure if he is truly at that point yet. We have definitely discussed all these concerns with each other, but I am still uneasy. I am also afraid. I am afraid that I will be stretched too thin to do all of the things a mom needs to do and continue to do all of the things my job requires of me. I am swamped with my studies for my Masters program and all of the homework I bring home to grade every night. Plus, I barely keep up with the housework now, I can't imagine what it will be like when I'm sleep deprived and have the massive responsibility of an infant. I wish that there was some way to look in to the future and know that everything will work out. Since there isn't this guarantee, I'll just have to let fate shake things out and see what happens.

Trying Again...

April was a long month of waiting... Dr. Hardas told us to wait one cycle before trying again and AF took forever to finally come. She has arrived and now I am starting to feel pretty anxious about trying again. I am not really up to going through everything again. I know that this is irrational thinking, but it is where I'm at and I am sure in a couple of weeks I will change my mind.

My BFF...

My BFF just found out that she is 22 weeks along. She looks amazing and had no idea. She found out at her first appointment that she is having a boy.

Going, going, gone...

I am just really able to write because of the furry of emotions I have been dealing with... As of Friday my Beta levels dropped to 3, so I am almost officially not pregnant anymore. I feel sad, but I am glad I can get pregnant. After 8 months of lackadaisically trying and several years of no mistakes, one starts to wonder if it is possible even. I am getting the crazy pregnancy hormones out of my system, but in the meantime I am kind of blue. I blame myself even though everything says that these things can't be prevented. I am trying to get over that... I think I want to wait to try again, but we'll see. Telling our family that there is no longer a pregnancy sucked, but they are all supportive. I'll write more when I have processed what I have gone through in the last week.

An Emotional Roller Coaster

Tuesday:
My levels were 16... This would be normal levels for someone who is about maybe 3 or 4 weeks along but not 6 weeks. I will get my blood drawn again tomorrow to see if this number increases. I hope that I am really just ignorant about my cycles and that the numbers increases as expected. If they don't increase, this is probably a chemical pregnancy. I really am an emotional wreck and my poor husband probably wants to bash me over the head. On a more promising note, the doctor did an internal exam and said that my cervix was closed and it is usually open for someone who is experiencing a miscarriage. We shall wait to see what happens...

Monday:
The spotting has continued a little so I again called Dr. Hardas. She has been absolutely wonderful! She said that I should get an ultrasound immediately. During the ultrasound there was nothing... This might happen if I was really early, but since my last period was February 10th , I should be about 6 weeks along. Because there was nothing on the ultrasound, I was sent to get my blood drawn to check my beta levels. I was given an appointment for early Tuesday to discuss the results.

Happy Birthday!

To me... And what is my present???

More spotting...

Awesomeness!

At least my heartburn is helping me to focus on other things. I am going to call the doctor on Monday. I am well on my way to being that crazy pregnant lady!

Spotting

It still hadn't really set in that I am pregnant until today when I started spotting. I am terrified that something is going to go wrong, but I am hoping for the best. I called Dr. Hardas and she said to try not to worry, because light bleeding is normal early in pregnancy. I really don't want to be one of those annoying pregnant women that calls every minute, but this doesn't feel normal. I will hope for the best and pray like crazy that everything is indeed "normal".

Telling the Sibs...

Today we told our siblings that they were going to be aunts and uncles. Each one was so supportive and excited. It is so nice to be close with family members. This baby is going to be so blessed to be joining our families!

Telling the Grandparents...

Today I took another test, just to be certain. Even though I have massive doubts about telling anyone yet, in case something goes wrong, Tony convinced me that we should tell our parents. I am not great at keeping secrets so after school I picked up some cards and we told Fred and Kathy and then my parents. Both were beyond excited. This baby will be the second grandchild on the his side and the first on the my side. I also got to tell me oldest brother because he stopped by my mom and dad's house while we were there. He thought I was kidding at first, but when I convinced him this was no early April Fools, he was pretty excited for us.

Oh Baby!

Oh baby, We are pregnant! After about 8 cycles it has finally happened for us. I really thought this day would never come, but I am so excited! This morning I decided to test because I am on day 39 of my cycle and they are never that long. I got the lightest of lines, but a line is a line. I immediately rushed in the bedroom to tell Tony. It probably isn't fun to wake up at 5am to your wife screaming "Tony, Tony! We are pregnant!" and then be tackled and dragged in the bathroom to see a pee stick with the faintest of lines on it, but I think he'll forgive me. Since this is so unbelievable, during my planning at school I went to Meijer and bought at least six more tests and took one at school. I only took it at school because I had conferences and I am totally impatient about waiting. It was positive again! After conferences all of my colleagues were going out for a drink, which is usually something I would never pass up but now obviously I do, and that is when it hit me, I AM REALLY PREGNANT!