Slow But Sure...

My last miscarriage left me pretty jaded on the whole baby-making deal, but I am getting used to the idea of trying again...

I personally would be okay with the adoption option, but Tony is not so keen on the idea so I have a follow up appointment on Oct. 13 in which testing options will be discussed...

I still have not gotten my period yet and it has been 42 days since the whole ordeal started. I am trying to be patient with my body, but I feel like it is betraying me again by not moving on already...

I got to see my niece or nephew via ultrasound today...

So proud to be an aunt...

So sad to not be a mom...

I carry pain in my heart still and I am afraid it will never leave...

Little helps, but the busyness of life has been a good escape...

I will call a counselor later this week. I have to get in some hours for my Master's program, so I may as well use the time for something important. I feel so disappointed with myself because I can't just get over it...

Thank you for letting me know...

Yes...
I can get pregnant...
However...
It really doesn't help me have a baby...
Believe it or not...

WTF

Dear Body,
Am I ovulating or not? Just askin' because I am on cycle day 30 something and I should have already had the damn red-headed visitor by now, but since you are throwing out ovulation signs I have no fucking clue what is up.
Fuck you,
Me

PS: No, I am not pregnant...

Stupid Mail...

What did I sign up for to get mail that reads "A gift for your upcoming due date"...
Seriously... I don't need diapers or formula checks...
So STOP FUCKING SENDING THEM!

Two Things...

1 - My husband is so awesome... Tonight, when a friend announced she was pregnant, he called to give me a heads-up before I got to our party so I didn't have to get the news in front of anyone... So thoughtful!

2 - I may be ovulating. Woot! Woot! My body may be getting back to normal soon... And if Tony and I decide to rebel against doc's orders of waiting one cycle before trying again, we might be on the baby boat...

"Life is like the world gone backwards, you take the test then learn the lesson."
Unknown

Growing Closer...

I feel that through all of the junk that has happened with trying to conceive our first, my husband and I have grown closer. I have come to depend on him more than I have in the 11 years we have been together. I have never relied on him like I do now. It is comforting to know that he's got my back even if I am a mess. Right now he has started his grad classes and even though he is having a hard time adjusting, he has went above and beyond to make certain that I am okay...

If nothing comes of all this heartache of TTC, I will at least have grown closer with him...

This being said... I kind of want to hit him right now for being so fucking stubborn...

Get the fuck out of my kitchen...

A message to my roommate's current fling:

Get the fuck out of my kitchen...

And have your fuck buddy pay September's rent...

Stress can't be good for making a baby right?

Maybe all this bitchiness is a sign of PMS...

Update:

This post was a result of pent up anger...

My roommate is a pretty good guy and his girl made a nice dinner, but the stress of not have any space or privacy is getting to me. I really just am not doing well sharing my space when all I really want/need is some solitude...

I want to be able to feel comfortable in my home again, but instead I am stuck in a little room and the kitchen is my only other escape. I have given up a good majority of my house and I am not will to give up the kitchen...

Plus, Tony is under stress that cannot even be measured and so life is anything but pleasant right now...

Tension is high in our household, but hopefully this will pass soon.

Baby Time

Last night I got some baby time in with my BFF's little guy. He is five weeks old and just adorable! Holding him reminded me of how badly I want to be a mom...

Dear God... Do you hate me?

Dear God...

Do you hate me?

Just asking... Because, seriously, allowing totally incompetent people to have perfect bubbly babies and fucking me over is really making me think that you hate me...

I know I sound really selfish and petty, but I don't think I wouldn't be this way if you only gave babies to those who really deserved them. I think dealing with this shit may be easier if life were like that...

And I am writing this on behalf of all people who are struggling to become a parent...

And on a more grateful note... Thank you for at least giving the parenting privilege to some in my life that truly are wonderful people...

Sleep...

So, I am wodering if, when I finally do become a mom, I will be able to handle the lack of sleep a baby brings. I am so tired and honestly all I did was went to work today and then to the store. Lameness... 5:30am kicks my ass!

I love naps.

Busy...

Just as I suspected... Being in school has helped me focus on other things. I still think about it (the miscarriages) daily, but I have no time to dwell...

I have no child... I won't for a while... My body sucks... Things could always be worse and things could always be better...

An update on Don Spoor... They found him yesterday...If you have extra money, his family would be a good cause... Click here to read more about him and his family...

To my loyal readers, if there are any out there... Comments seriously are okay to leave and also at some point this blog will take on a more positive tone...

:) See... I can smile... Finally... A little...

I am an Idiot...

One week down 35 more until summer break... Yup, I am counting already. This week has sucked. I have been battling a sinus infection. My students are little squirrels. To top it all of, today I had my grad class and one of my classmates congratulated me on being pregnant. I am an idiot and started sobbing... Not just tearing up, but runny nose, puffy eyes sobbing... I have no idea why this was so hard to handle today. I actually thought I was doing better. Guess not.

The whole incident has me furious at myself... After witnessing the zip line tragedy my loss seems small. That man (Don Spoor) had four kids and a wife that are surely suffering more than myself and only three short years ago my aunt and uncle lost six kids in the house explosion, and yet I am upset over something as little as this... I lost something that wasn't even alive and I can't pull myself together. I am so pissed at myself for this. My loss is small compared to what many people have experienced in their lifetime, so why is it that I am taking it this hard? Why can't I just get over it already?

Fuck...

Sick of Sadness...

I have a couple of updates...

First, the man that I posted about the other day has still not been found. I am so sad for him and his family. He had four children and one was disabled. I truly am hurting for his family, especially his wife who was a stay at home mom. Click here for an updated story. This event was something I wish I had never witnessed. I wish we could have done something and I feel immense guilt that it took so long to get this guy help. Honestly, I feel like this event has put somethings into perspective for me. I am thankful that I have my family and friends with me and I am so thankful for the unconditional love of my husband. I could never imagine losing him and I am glad he did not do that dumb ass zip-line trick into the river like he wanted.

Next, my HCG level is at a 35. It is going down but I am still spotting. I am so frustrated and I just want my body to go back to normal. Part of the test have arrived from the fetal material (aka: the baby) and the results told us absolutely nothing. Awesomeness... Fuck... Still no answers at why my body sucks...

Finally, I am back to school and in the swing of things. I feel like more of a zoo keeper than a teacher with my classes this year. I am hoping these students whip into shape sooner rather than later. I miss my buddy who is out on maternity leave and I feel like our new teachers hate us. My new classroom is great because it has 11 computers, but I miss my old home because it was so big and roomy. There have been a lot of changes this year and I kind of feel overwhelmed. I have an awesome roommate which makes all of this so much better, plus I still have my old buddies who stop by and say hi and goodbye because my class is close to the doors. The best part about the first day was that my husband sent me flowers. They are beautiful and I should post a picture. He again wins the greatest husband award. :)

Tragedy...

So the weekend was pretty eventful. Even though I had a pissy attitude going into it, being around friends was a surprisingly nice escape. Friday consisted of a campfire and a bottle of champagne and Saturday we went wine tasting in TC. Sunday we decided to continue the drinking theme and went tubing in the Manistee River. We saw some crazy shit. Snakes, turtles, bugs and a guy that died... No shitting... On the get away that was supposed to help us forget about sad things... Click here to read the story... Fucked up shit! Seriously... We were floating down the river with our beverages and approach this group of people along the river doing a little zip cording into the river like this...

At first glance, this looked awesome... Then a obviously skilled, but drunk group member attempted this and did a head first flip into the rushing water. We noticed that he had never surfaced, but his group of friends did not seem concerned because apparently he was a very skilled swimmer and they thought he was playing a prank. It was no prank... This man bobbed up to the surface for a moment and that was the last he was seen as of yet. We scoured the river, but we were unable to find him. We had no phone so it took quite sometime to contact 911... This was a horrible tragedy to observe and I wish we would have reacted more quickly. We may have been able to help in some way... His name was Bob and he was 33 years old. I hope that his family is going to be okay through this senseless event.