Friday, November 28, 2008

An Observation...

I didn't swear in the last four posts... That is not fucking like me at all!

Thoughts that Float Around in my Head...

Here is a list of thoughts that float around in my head semi-frequently...



1. Is God punishing me?
Am I really that horrible of a person to not deserve a child?



2. Does God exist?
If he does, why is he letting me (and many others) experience this hurt?



3. Will I be able to handle motherhood if I am ever blessed enough to be a mom?
Job, school, etc... Will I be able to provide a good home and childhood for my nonexistent children?



4. Is something wrong with me?
Or is it bad luck?



5. Why can't I just be ecstatic when I hear about truly deserving people becoming pregnant?
I am excited, but my knee jerk reaction is always to throw a pity party for myself.



6. If I get pregnant, will I actually be able to enjoy the time?
Will I be too worried about losing it?



7. If I get pregnant again and I lose it, will I make it?
The old saying goes what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger... But honestly feel like it might kill me...



8. If I get pregnant this cycle, my due date will be...
August 23rd if your were wondering...



9. If I wouldn't have miscarried, my babies would be...
Adorable, screaming, sleeping, playing, visiting Grandma? I never will know...

10. Does this ever get easier?
I am determined to start feeling more optimistic, but honestly... It just is not working

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thankful for...

I am thankful for my husband...

I am thankful for my parents...

I am thankful for my brothers and their wives...

I am thankful that I am going to be an aunt twice in February...

I am thankful that I have such great in-laws...

I am thankful for my BFFs...

I am thankful that I have a nice home...

I am thankful that both my husband and I are employed during these tumultuous times...

I am thankful that I am almost finished with my Master's degree.

I am thankful that I have all of the material things that make my life easier to live...

I am thankful I have this blog where I can express my feelings freely...

The list could continue... I know I often complain here, but reflecting on what I have, I truly have a lot to be thankful for... Enjoy your day!

Happy Thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Finally a break...

Ahhhh... Finally a break... I love being a teacher for many reason, but the breaks may perhaps be my favorite... Tomorrow will be crazy like all holidays, but today I am home alone... No husband, no roommate... That my friends is priceless...

Monday, November 24, 2008

Deep Breaths...

I need to just take some deep breaths... Life has been a crazy emotional roller coaster lately. I am totally overwhelmed with everything and feel like I can't do anything really great...

Yesterday was a day... I was obviously upset when I walked into my house because I just cannot tolerate all of the things that are happening right now including having someone else take over my space...

I am a control freak, and even though I know that logistically I cannot control everything, I still get upset when things aren't just so... I really need to get my emotions under control, but I feel so frustrated and hopeless about everything...

I need to apologize to my roommate for being so emotional and down right bitchy yesterday evening, but I just am having a really hard time right now being cordial... I need my space to have my marriage... I need my space to grieve... I need my space to be alone in my thoughts...

Also, I think that Tony's lack of presence yesterday (and over the weekend I miscarried) really has effected me. I sort of feel abandoned in this process. I know that he is 100% on board with having a baby, but when it comes right down to it, he hasn't been there during the tough parts. Even when I made the RE appointment it was like it was a pain in his ass to get work off. I tried to explain how I am feeling, but he thinks that I am being irrational. He is a great guy and I never question his love for me, but when I am down these thoughts weigh heavy on my mind...

I know that my dedicated readers must be thinking "Wow, this lady needs a one way ticket to crazy town," but this blog is how I get it all out and is essentially is my therapy...

November will not be the month that we make a baby... Craziness prevails and there needs to be a calm before I charge into the next storm.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

One Day... Two Posts...

You get two posts today...
So my husband went to beer camp this weekend and lets just say that I was less than trilled that I had to spend today by myself... Without him... But anyway... I made plans with my mom to go to Ikea to get away and to have someone to be with today... So this morning I got up extra early to do my normal Sunday housework because I knew I was going to be gone all day and would not have a chance to get it done later... Plus since Tony volunteered me to do Thanksgiving for his family, I thought I'd get a start to make my week less hellish...

I cleaned the kitchen... Scrubbed the microwave... Swept the floors... Dusted... Scrubbed the burn shit off the stove... Folded all of the laundry... Cleaned the mirrors... Cleaned the toilets... Scrubbed the shower...

Yes all at 7am...

And I fucking get home and my kitchen is a god damned disaster, the bathroom mirrors are a mess and their are fucking pubes on my fucking bathroom floor that aren't fucking mine.

The roommate and his lady decide to fucking cook a nice god damned extravagant meal.

I am shaking fucking mad and my fucking husband could give two shits... All he says is I fucking missed you and all I want to say is I am out of here...

I fucking hate my life right now... I hate how douchetastic my husband is being... I hate living in my home... I hate be an emotional wreck... and I mostly hate that I don't have the fucking baby that I should have delivered today...

I think I'll vacuum tomorrow at 5am...

A shitty day

Today I should be having a baby... My parents should be grandparents... My brothers should be uncles... Tony is nowhere around... I am going to Ikea... I fucking hate that today is like today and not the way it should be...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Today...

Today was our big appointment day and though I was nervous, it was incredibly relieving to talk with the specialist... 38 different test will be performed on me (actually my blood) on the 3rd day of my next period. Tony will have a blood test done as well... The doctor did not mention weight or lifestyle... He simply said, I want to help you have a baby... What a relief... He also said to start trying again...

Counseling is still awkward, but it might be something I consider sticking with... At least Tony won't have to deal with me venting to him...

Job... Crazy... Thanksgiving break is close... Can't wait!

School... Psycho, racist, professor... One more weekend of her bullshit...

Home... Messy... Roommate will be departing after the holidays...

Tony... Gone to Deer (Beer) camp this weekend...

I should be getting ready to have a baby... If my first pregnancy would have worked out, I would be delivering this weekend... or perhaps the little one would already be here...

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Blogging from Class...

I am blogging from class... Obviously, I am engaged in learning this awesome material...

A lot is going on in my world, but not much in the baby area... I am finishing my last "book" class for my Masters degree. The next steps are to complete an internship and a thesis project. My internship was approved by my school (woot), but it is unpaid (grrr)... We have some money saved, but I am not looking forward to limited living. My thesis advisor is a great guy. I was 1 of the 5 that he chose to take on... I am pretty sure he is an old hippy, so he and I should get along well...

This week I went to see a counselor for the first time... Can we say awkward? It was really strange, but I have to do it for my Masters program and it will probably benefit me to see her, so I'll stick it out.

I also talked with the roommate last night about moving out. It felt like a step in the right direction. Tony and I just need the time as a married couple. I think it will take a lot of pressure off of me and hopefully after Christmas, I will get my house back. Tony's parents will be moving in soon for the Christmas tree season, but I know that if I can stick it out until after the holidays, things will get better, especially if John (the roommate) is out by then.

This week we have an appointment with our RE. Hopefully we'll get some answers. I am not really feeling like my body is back 100%, because my period has been extremely short and I am not convinced that I have been ovulating even though my chart says I have been. Also, my LP was only 9 days which is not really long enough.

Hopefully the appointment will be a step in the right direction, but I am afraid that they are just going to tell me to lose weight and my problems with magically disappear... Who knows... I will update after our appointment on Wednesday.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Starting a new cycle...

Well it is dreaded cycle day 1. This day always brings mixed emotions for me. This is a sign that my body is getting back to normal. I say "getting" because my LP (luteal phase) is quite short still. This is easily fixed with progesterone, but still, I wish my body were working 100% correctly like before. CD1 also means that in a few short weeks we can try to make a baby again. Even though this is the promising part, it still carries a lot of issues and worries. I wish it were really true that if I just "relax" would happen for us. If that were the case I would just schedule consecutive spa days...

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Alone...

I spent Saturday alone... No roommate, no husband... Amazing!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Drinking...

This week has been extremely strenuous. I have felt really depressed and I am starting to give up on life. There has not really been any one event that is overwhelming me, but my marriage feels wobbly (we have been fighting like cats and dogs and I thing he drinks too much), the roommate situation is stressful (he is not a bad roommate, I just need my space), I am stressed out with school (I didn't pass that huge test), and work is busy (I am working on securing my internship plus being evaluated for tenure). It scares me that I feel this low, because I have had some pretty irrational thoughts about how to solve these problems at once. I have made calls to five more counselors to try and get in. None have returned my calls... Not one... I don't want to pull the S card to get in, but if I don't talk to someone soon, it may come to that...

Tony is gone for the weekend farming Christmas trees (a much needed break for us) and I opted to stay home and catch up on grading. Yesterday though, I decided to participate in our staff's garden club (this is what we call our drinking nights at the bar so students don't know what we are talking about) and this was a large mistake. The first stop was fine, 2 bottles of champagne fine... At the next stop, the liquor came out... Liquor is always a mistake for me... Always... As we were drinking we saw an old friend and of course the question came up...

Her: Are you pregnant?
Me: Um, No (As I wave my drink around)
Her: Oh, cause I heard that you bought like 20 dollar store pee tests!
Me: From who?
Her: Oh, no one (Obviously trying to avoid telling me)
Me: We'll I brought them to figure out if I were pregnant or if my body was still fucked up after the miscarriage. 60 day cycles makes you a bit curious.
Her: Oh, ok.
Me: So how about those Pistons? (Obviously trying to avoid the subject)

And that is when the night ended... I am not really comfortable in front of big groups and discussing my fertility in front of one makes me feel extremely awkward. I think that people are extremely judgemental about these things. I do have lifestyle habits that are not conducive to being pregnant especially now since the last miscarriage, but people fail to understand that I don't struggle getting pregnant, just staying pregnant... I rarely do anything detrimental during the week before I ovulate and the two weeks after I ovulate. Maybe I have a cup of coffee, but I rarely drink etc. and even though I am fat, that would not cause a miscarriage according to my doctor... So I drove home (Stupid, I know) to get out of the awkwardness and nicked a deer... Fuck... I hate deer... Lucky me no damage... I tucked myself in my empty bed and now it is Saturday and the last damn thing I want to do is grade those fucking papers...

Sunday, November 2, 2008

AHHHHHHH!!!

My fucking husband...

Is being an asshole...

I get that guys struggle to understand how a miscarriage can affect women and I also know that I should be over this shit by now, but I am not...

Every part of me aches to have a child and each day is a reminder of what could have been...

I knew that he wouldn't remember when the first baby we were supposed to have was due, but I certainly do...

He doesn't get that when I lost my pregnancies, my dreams of becoming a mother were also lost... He doesn't get that losing your dream is one of the hardest things to lose... I lost my hope... I lost my happily ever after... I lost the ability to be in control of my emotions...

Even though these loses may only be temporary, it is hard right now...

I didn't expect a fucking pity party, but when I say "Honey, the weekend you are planning to go to deer camp is also the weekend when we were due the first time" I do expect for my husband to avoid being an asshole...

Sometimes I wonder if the reason God has said fuck you, you can't be a parent is because his infinite wisdom at work...

And a big fuck you goes out to my fucking ovaries for not releasing a fucking egg this month...