Thursday, July 31, 2008

A hard day...

Today is a hard day... I woke up and just felt really sad about everything that is happening... I want it to be over...

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

One day at a time...

I am trying to forget about what is happening in my life. Forgetting all of this would be so nice. Currently my body is not cooperating with the "let's just get this over with" attitude I have. I have had no spotting since Sunday. Now, a week ago, God would have been doing me a favor by preventing any spotting, but right now he is just being cruel. I have to get this miscarrying business done in 3 weeks. If I can't, my doctor is going to make me go under and I am terrified of that. I know that this can take a while, but the physical act of miscarrying will be a great help in my moving on process. Now that I have that little vent out, I must devote sometime to speaking about how great my husband is. If I did not have his support, I would be a mess. I mean other people have been so nice to me, but he is experiencing this with me firsthand. He really understands what this loss means to me because it is his loss too. He doesn't tell me that everything is going to be okay and that God has a plan... By the way I hate when people say "God has a plan" because it feels like right now God's plan is to shit on on Tony and I. Tony is grieving too, but he has put my needs above his own and for that he wins "The Greatest Husband Ever Award". Oh well, enough for today... I am going to bake banana bread to take my mind off of this stuff. I also think that I am going to go sign-up for Curves. Maybe a good old workout will release the perfect amount of endorphins to bring me out of my funk and get me healthier for next time.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Gone, Going, Gone...

Just as we suspected, this pregnancy is gone. Well actually going... I am waiting to miscarry. Yesterday the ultrasound showed a non-progressing pregnancy. The doctor started talking about my "options", but none of them included having a beautiful baby in my arms in March. I cannot express how sad I am. I don't feel like getting out of bed or talking to anyone. Even Tony's hugs can't fix this. I am so out of it. I find myself doing things but not remembering... It feels like there is a lump of emotion inside of me that no amount of crying can push out. People say "It will happen", "You're young", "It is for the best", "At least you can get pregnant" and I want to tell them to Fuck off... Really, if you don't know what to say in a situation, stick with "I am sorry".

Friday, July 25, 2008

Crushed...

I am crushed. I am certain this is miscarriage number two... I go in on Monday to get another ultrasound but I already know the results. I am holding it together but not very well. I am really just crumbling inside. How am I going to get through watching other people being pregnant? Some people I am very close with are going to be delivering their babies while I will be empty... Nothing inside of me... I want for the hurt to stop... I am so distraught... I can't hug and feel anything anymore. It is like am going through the motions but my mind is a million miles away. What am I going to do when people ask "When are you and Tony going to have kids?" Should I say that I've had two, but they got flushed down the toilet or thrown away with the trash? I knew life was difficult, but why? Why two times? Why me? Why not those who choose to use drugs while they are pregnant? Is this my punishment for being overweight or not going to church enough? I feel like such a failure. I can't make my husband a father... I can't make our parents grandparents. I can't be a mom to my own child...

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Another Test...

So Tuesday's ultrasound showed a gestational sac that doubled in size, 1cm, and a developing yolk sac. The technician said that this seemed somewhat normal, but Dr. Hardas seemed pretty bleak. We were really hoping to see a fetal pole, but no such luck. I am so drained and depressed from all of this. Maybe it is because of my size that this is not going so well... I don't know. I got poked again to test my HCG levels and the damn lady left a bruise. The level should be around 20,000 but I won't get the results until later this afternoon. I am hoping for anything above 17,000. My spotting continues on and off very lightly, but enough the freak me out and make me worry. I have another ultrasound on Monday.

Update: 10,469... Not even close to where it should be... My heart is hopeful, my head is preparing for my second miscarriage...

Friday, July 18, 2008

Inconclusive Results...

I got the test results from my second HCG test and the number was 5118. This number should be at least double that of the last HCG level (2658), but it is not. I am absolutely baffled. I don't know if this is okay or if I am doomed to lose this pregnancy too. I also got put on another prescription for a bacterial infection... Fun... I am also still spotting lightly. Tuesday I have another ultrasound and hopefully that will clear things up, but I am not betting on it because every time I think I will have a definitive answer about this being a viable pregnancy, I am grossly incorrect. Tony's positivity is amazing. He is trying to keep me optimistic. I just hope we are not prolonging something that isn't healthy.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Results of the first appointment...

The doctor did an internal and said things feel fine. I also got my blood drawn so they could see my progesterone and HCG levels. Both were slightly low so we are working to bring the progesterone levels up. After using the progesterone suppository (TMI sorry) I had major bleeding. I freaked and called the doctor so she ordered and ultrasound this morning. We saw the sac which is a good sign. Tomorrow I will get blood drawn again and hopefully the HCG level will continue to increase. I pray this works... I can't go through another miscarriage...

Monday, July 7, 2008

Here we go again!

I am pregnant! We are cautiously getting excited! I hope this works out for us. I asked Tony what he was doing for St. Patrick's day next year and he gave me a blank stare... When I said that he should plan to be in the hospital holding his baby, he got a huge grin and squeezed the bejeezus out of me. I have an appointment on Monday to confirm. More news to come soon...