Crushed...

I am crushed. I am certain this is miscarriage number two... I go in on Monday to get another ultrasound but I already know the results. I am holding it together but not very well. I am really just crumbling inside. How am I going to get through watching other people being pregnant? Some people I am very close with are going to be delivering their babies while I will be empty... Nothing inside of me... I want for the hurt to stop... I am so distraught... I can't hug and feel anything anymore. It is like am going through the motions but my mind is a million miles away. What am I going to do when people ask "When are you and Tony going to have kids?" Should I say that I've had two, but they got flushed down the toilet or thrown away with the trash? I knew life was difficult, but why? Why two times? Why me? Why not those who choose to use drugs while they are pregnant? Is this my punishment for being overweight or not going to church enough? I feel like such a failure. I can't make my husband a father... I can't make our parents grandparents. I can't be a mom to my own child...