Sunday, October 26, 2008

Nothing much...

Nothing much in the way of babies is happening around here. The doctor told us to wait until after this cycle to try again. I am not sure if we will or won't...

I don't usually do the what if bit because it gets me pregnant, but I have found myself asking, what if my first pregnancy had worked? I would be busting Tony's balls to finish the nursery no doubt... I would be massively huge and uncomfortable and I would still have that blissful ignorance about pregnancy.... Oh well...

Back to what is...

School is crazy. I took a massive comprehensive test over all of my grad school course work this weekend... I am certain I will be retaking this in December. It was hard and I didn't study... I still have to do counseling sessions and get my internship stuff around... Things are coming to and end. I know I will be glad I got this done before we have kids...

My job is going pretty well too... There are ups and downs, but I am 1/6 of the way through the year... Summer is just around the corner! I am organizing a massive fundraiser this week. I hope it lands me the title of Employee of the Month...

So this if life right now... Hopefully these posts will be about baby stuff again soon...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Patience (ˈpā-shənz) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances...

Today I got a call from the fertility specialist's office. The had to cancel my Monday appointment to November 19th... Boo!

The nurse did speak with me about payments though and I found out that I will only be responsible to pay my $5.00 copay for EVERYTHING... WOOT!

Apparently MESSA's (a division of Blue Cross/ Blue Shields) policy is different than Blue Cross/ Blue Shield's policy... Who knew?

At any rate, I can't wait for this cycle to be over because we can start trying next month. I am day 12 of 36ish... I pray that my body is going to be normal this cycle, but my temps are a little crazy and I haven't gotten used to taking them regularly yet...

Patience is a virtue right?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

An awesome website...

Resolve. Org

I am blogging from class...
My thesis project is going to be an interesting undertaking...
Hangovers are not good...
Someone keeps farting... The silent but deadly kind... I have not been this sick since the last time I was pregnant...

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Holy Batman!

30 different pages from the specialist came today for us to complete... I guess this means that they are pretty thorough...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

As Promised...

More on the appointment and such...

We got referred to a specialist, but the doctor's "educated guess" is that our two miscarriages were just bad luck and she seemed optimistic for our future baby endeavors...

She has given me back some of the hope that I had lost... The doctor and I had a great conversation and I am so glad I have a great doctor to help me through this...

The worst news of the day was when the doctor told us to wait one more month... I trust her and this is a journey not a quick trip for us so we will deal with the disappointment and wait...

I am on baby asprin and she said that I could use the progesterone after I ovulate in case low pro. was the problem... This seems like a step in the right direction...

After the appointment, I was close to Babies'R'Us so I ventured in... I owed baby Beckham (My BFF'S lil' guy) a being born gift. I really needed to do this sooner (he was born on 8-8-08), but I just couldn't... I got him the cutest little outfit... It is super snuggly.

I really have always loved shopping at Babies'R'Us, not because I have needed to, but because I love to dream about the future with our little baby...

For tonight things seem okay... My period has ended almost as quickly as it came and I am back to charting again... I am glad things are progressing...

Monday, October 13, 2008

Follow-up on the Follow-up...

Today I had the follow-up appointment with my doc. Things started out less than great... Got to wait between a freaking happy couple expecting their first and a high school senior expecting her first. How fucking happy for everyone except me... Then they weighed me... Really? I am just here to talk with the doctor... Dear evil nurse: If you want to know my weight, I will tell you...

Anyway... Testing talk occurred, but as expected insurance will only cover those tests if we have 3 miscarriages...

Doctor said that she thinks it was just bad luck twice...

We were also told that we should wait another month statistically speaking for the best results... So no July baby for the Murphs...

More to come tomorrow... Right now I gotta get some snuggling time with the husband...

Friday, October 10, 2008

Attention Ladies and Gentlemen!

Warning: This is a TMI Post...

The red visitor has reared her head! If we get pregnant this cycle, we'll be expecting a baby late July...
Back to charting...
Back to trying...
If Tony was okay with the adoption option, I'd be all over it...

Off to a wine weekend up-north in TC...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Still messed all the fuck up...

No.Period.Yet.

FUCK!

I have my follow up on Monday. We should find out what our next steps are.

My dad talked with me today as we ponder a possible move to Cali... He said that I cannot go because he wants to see his grandkids... I gently reminded him that at this rate it is highly unlikely that he will ever have grandkids from me...

It has been 46 days since I passed the failed birth and I am at the point that I can function, but I still carry an overwhelming sadness around in my heart...

Ignorance is bliss... I am no longer ignorant about the struggles of trying to become a mother. Bliss will never get to be a part of pregnancy for me...

Tony and I were talking the other day about the comment "At least you can get pregnant" and for a moment we agreed that it was a blessing that I indeed could get pregnant, but then I came to my wits and said that it is more like a cruel joke than a blessing for me...

Oh and for those you wondering... I have went through 8 Peesticks... I am, without a doubt, not pregnant...

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Losing Faith...

It has been awhile...

I am losing faith in this whole process...

I miscarried at the end of August and I still am dealing with the waiting game. I have not gotten my period yet nor does a pregnancy test read positive. I think I've peed on 6 sticks this week and I have huge regrets that I didn't choose to chart....

I hate that my body is being so fucking pissy...

I on different note, I did get to see both of my sister inlaws' ultrasound of their perfect babies... They are half way there...
I should be too...
My nieces or nephews are the cutest, I have already spoiled them with Dairy Queen!

There is talk about the baby showers already and I can barely stomach the thought of getting through those days...
Hopefully we can do a double shower for them since they are due only days apart...

I still fight the tears... I can't believe that this has happened to me, not once, but twice...

Work (Teaching) is going well... I am thinking about applying for a new job as a counselor in a neighboring district... They get out of school on Memorial day and the school is located only minutes from my house...

School (Masters classes for school counseling) is going okay because we are on break right now... Big program test on October 25th then an internship... I am so close to being done!

Roommate has paid rent through the end of this month so he'll be around for at least 30 more days... Still no housekeeper out of the deal yet...

Seriously considering a move to Cali... Both our moms cried... Hard to let your babies go...

That is what is rockin' in my world... For all of your that read... Thanks for listening to me as I go through this...