Drinking...

This week has been extremely strenuous. I have felt really depressed and I am starting to give up on life. There has not really been any one event that is overwhelming me, but my marriage feels wobbly (we have been fighting like cats and dogs and I thing he drinks too much), the roommate situation is stressful (he is not a bad roommate, I just need my space), I am stressed out with school (I didn't pass that huge test), and work is busy (I am working on securing my internship plus being evaluated for tenure). It scares me that I feel this low, because I have had some pretty irrational thoughts about how to solve these problems at once. I have made calls to five more counselors to try and get in. None have returned my calls... Not one... I don't want to pull the S card to get in, but if I don't talk to someone soon, it may come to that...

Tony is gone for the weekend farming Christmas trees (a much needed break for us) and I opted to stay home and catch up on grading. Yesterday though, I decided to participate in our staff's garden club (this is what we call our drinking nights at the bar so students don't know what we are talking about) and this was a large mistake. The first stop was fine, 2 bottles of champagne fine... At the next stop, the liquor came out... Liquor is always a mistake for me... Always... As we were drinking we saw an old friend and of course the question came up...

Her: Are you pregnant?
Me: Um, No (As I wave my drink around)
Her: Oh, cause I heard that you bought like 20 dollar store pee tests!
Me: From who?
Her: Oh, no one (Obviously trying to avoid telling me)
Me: We'll I brought them to figure out if I were pregnant or if my body was still fucked up after the miscarriage. 60 day cycles makes you a bit curious.
Her: Oh, ok.
Me: So how about those Pistons? (Obviously trying to avoid the subject)

And that is when the night ended... I am not really comfortable in front of big groups and discussing my fertility in front of one makes me feel extremely awkward. I think that people are extremely judgemental about these things. I do have lifestyle habits that are not conducive to being pregnant especially now since the last miscarriage, but people fail to understand that I don't struggle getting pregnant, just staying pregnant... I rarely do anything detrimental during the week before I ovulate and the two weeks after I ovulate. Maybe I have a cup of coffee, but I rarely drink etc. and even though I am fat, that would not cause a miscarriage according to my doctor... So I drove home (Stupid, I know) to get out of the awkwardness and nicked a deer... Fuck... I hate deer... Lucky me no damage... I tucked myself in my empty bed and now it is Saturday and the last damn thing I want to do is grade those fucking papers...