Ready?

Are we really ready?

This is the question I have been obsessing about over the last several weeks. Financially, we'll be okay. Timing is not exactly perfect with my impending internship, but we could manage. Marriage wise, I know we love each other, but we bicker (fight actually) a lot about stupid stuff. Lately we have been at each other's throats. I am not sure if the fighting is due to work related stuff or if the stress of a new roommate has gotten to us, but I'd really like our marriage to be as strong as possible before we add to our family. It seems like the tension would not make for a very happy home. Another one of my concerns is that we are young (sort of) and still have many partying habits. I know without a doubt that these could easily go for me, but I am not so sure if he is truly at that point yet. We have definitely discussed all these concerns with each other, but I am still uneasy. I am also afraid. I am afraid that I will be stretched too thin to do all of the things a mom needs to do and continue to do all of the things my job requires of me. I am swamped with my studies for my Masters program and all of the homework I bring home to grade every night. Plus, I barely keep up with the housework now, I can't imagine what it will be like when I'm sleep deprived and have the massive responsibility of an infant. I wish that there was some way to look in to the future and know that everything will work out. Since there isn't this guarantee, I'll just have to let fate shake things out and see what happens.

Trying Again...

April was a long month of waiting... Dr. Hardas told us to wait one cycle before trying again and AF took forever to finally come. She has arrived and now I am starting to feel pretty anxious about trying again. I am not really up to going through everything again. I know that this is irrational thinking, but it is where I'm at and I am sure in a couple of weeks I will change my mind.

My BFF...

My BFF just found out that she is 22 weeks along. She looks amazing and had no idea. She found out at her first appointment that she is having a boy.

Going, going, gone...

I am just really able to write because of the furry of emotions I have been dealing with... As of Friday my Beta levels dropped to 3, so I am almost officially not pregnant anymore. I feel sad, but I am glad I can get pregnant. After 8 months of lackadaisically trying and several years of no mistakes, one starts to wonder if it is possible even. I am getting the crazy pregnancy hormones out of my system, but in the meantime I am kind of blue. I blame myself even though everything says that these things can't be prevented. I am trying to get over that... I think I want to wait to try again, but we'll see. Telling our family that there is no longer a pregnancy sucked, but they are all supportive. I'll write more when I have processed what I have gone through in the last week.

An Emotional Roller Coaster

Tuesday:
My levels were 16... This would be normal levels for someone who is about maybe 3 or 4 weeks along but not 6 weeks. I will get my blood drawn again tomorrow to see if this number increases. I hope that I am really just ignorant about my cycles and that the numbers increases as expected. If they don't increase, this is probably a chemical pregnancy. I really am an emotional wreck and my poor husband probably wants to bash me over the head. On a more promising note, the doctor did an internal exam and said that my cervix was closed and it is usually open for someone who is experiencing a miscarriage. We shall wait to see what happens...

Monday:
The spotting has continued a little so I again called Dr. Hardas. She has been absolutely wonderful! She said that I should get an ultrasound immediately. During the ultrasound there was nothing... This might happen if I was really early, but since my last period was February 10th , I should be about 6 weeks along. Because there was nothing on the ultrasound, I was sent to get my blood drawn to check my beta levels. I was given an appointment for early Tuesday to discuss the results.