A get away...

But not really. I am going up north for the weekend. Aw, how nice that we are taking some time to regroup and be a couple huh? Not exactly... We get to got hang out with his friends for the whole fucking weekend. It is not that his friends aren't some really awesome people, but I just need sometime to heal with my husband or maybe without him. I really don't know, but I know that continuing this happy fucking facade is too overwhelming. I can't be myself and just morn anytime. During the day my roommate is here and at night Tony gets pissed that I am still upset. He fails to realize that my body is still going through this and I am not over it. Oh well... Off for a fucking great weekend...

Poked Again...

Not that kind of poked! You pervs! Today I got poked for hopefully my last HCG test in regards to this pregnancy. My bleeding has tapered to spotting and I am physically feeling better. Emotionally, I am sad... I feeling like a gray cloud is always looming over me. Today, at the doctor's office, I barely held it together. I don't really know why, but out of the blue I started to tear up. Being back to work has helped, but I still am sad. I asked Tony if he thought I was taking this too hard, but he did not answer. He just mentioned that we've been through a lot. I am really thinking about counseling. I just can't shake this sadness.

A knife fight...

I think there might be a knife fight happening in my uterus.

Gross...

I will start this post by saying THIS IS GRAPHIC... If you can't handle it, it is totally understandable. I created this blog for two reasons... First, I needed to express my emotions but I could not do this verbally. This blog is an outlet for me to be unapologetically raw about my feeling and what I am going though. Secondly, I needed to be able to document what is going on physically with my body so I can report to my doctor accurately. Hopefully, in this future this blog will be a place where I share all of the joyous events that accompany parenthood, but until then you get to hear about this shit...

Okay so here is the graphic part...

For those that are skipping it, I'll give you the non-TMI update at the bottom of this post...

I warn you, you may look at me differently after reading this...

TMI Start

Even though I knew around week 7 that this was not going to be a viable pregnancy, I have not really exhibited any signs of miscarriage before this week. I have been spotting since Sunday (10 Weeks)... First it was brown then by Monday it had turned pink which was a good sign that things were progressing. On Tuesday & Wednesday I had what would equate to basically a light period with bright red bleeding. On Thursday I had major cramps toward the evening and the bleeding had picked up slightly. On Friday, I woke up with few cramps, but as the day progressed they became a bit more severe. On Friday I passed what I thought was the majority of fetal material. As my doctor order, I bagged it and refrigerated it so it could be tested.

Yes, I put it in my refrigerator...

Yes, it is gross beyond belief...

But I had no choice, the lab doesn't open until Monday...

After I passed the mucus-like tissue on Friday, I still had cramping so I took 4 Advil and a hot shower and went to bed. Saturday morning I woke feeling bloated but I had less bleeding, the cramps had subsided and I was feeling better. As the evening came, I was still feeling well. No cramps... Until 11ish... Then I started getting some strong pains so I went to the bathroom. During this time, I passed the grossest lump of a muscle-like mass out of my vag. It was oval shaped and maybe 1 inch round by 4 inches in length. I do believe that this was the gestational sack. Honestly, this is one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen, but per doctor's orders I bagged it and let it chill with the other stuff.

I really hope this was the biggest part...

Honestly, I am glad that this is finally coming to a close for me...

TMI End

For those of you that skipped the TMI part, I definitely miscarried on Saturday evening...

Next steps: Stop bleeding & acquire a negative HCG test...

It is official...

If I ever do carry a child successfully until delivery, I will be using every drug they are willing to give me to get the baby out of me. If it is this bad at 10 weeks, fuck 40 weeks. For all of my friends, please remind me of this post when I start talking about going naturally if I ever get to that point... Fuck that shit!

The Shadow Side of Motherhood...

In the May 2008 issue of Redbook...

I really could have written this myself...

The Shadow Side of Motherhood

I lost my first pregnancy — and almost lost myself. I'd only known I was pregnant for a matter of weeks when the cramping started. Still, What to Expect When You're Expecting was already dog-eared, and my copy of Sears and Sears's The Pregnancy Book looked like it had survived multiple generations of moms-to-be. Miscarriage, however, had been only a footnote in my reading.I was in bed, and the white sheets beneath me turned red. My husband called the hospital and our obstetrician was paged. My physician, a seasoned veteran, was nonchalant: "Yep, it sounds to me like she's miscarried. Come on in first thing in the morning.

The next day, we returned home from the doctor's office, where they'd confirmed the obvious via ultrasound. The excitement that had hung in the air was replaced by a fuzzy melancholy, and sadness for something lost. My husband tucked me into the couch with a blanket, carefully removing the stack of pregnancy books from the coffee table in front of me. I absently flipped through a catalog, crying when I came across baby clothes I had circled in blue ballpoint. As the intense physical pain faded into lingering depression, this is how I passed my days: I stared into space, lost interest in keeping the house tidy, and sat morosely at the dinner table each night. I felt let down by all the magazines, books, and, worst of all, the other women around me. Why hadn't anyone told me to fear this? Or how profoundly it would hurt, and how the feelings of grief would overwhelm me?

Many months later, my husband came into our bedroom, where I'd been spending most of my time; I slept 10, 12 hours a night, but was always drowsy. He looked over at me, crying, having lost not only the dream of a child but his wife as well. I opened my eyes to see him staring at me, begging, "Baby, come back." Though the child we lost was gone forever, I realized then that it was time for me to return.

I am getting there...

Today and yesterday have been extremely painful for me. I started cramping pretty severely when I got home last night and continued this morning. Though it hurts, I know that my body is doing what it needs to do...

Friends Rock!

I guess I took a little break from writing. I think I have been just going with the flow and trying to keep myself busy so I avoid thinking about this mess. I have finished setting up my classroom and organized the bills I have been putting off for the last month. The spotting has picked up, but I know that the worst is yet to come still because (TMI Start) I haven't really passed anything substantial (TMI Over). Last time it started slowly and lasted for about 12 days so I am hopeful that my body finally isn't failing me.

Emotionally, I think I am finally coming out of my funk a little bit. I am starting to be less moody (Tony may disagree) and I feel like I can finally just breathe a little. It is still hard, but over the last few days I am starting to accept this more and my anger and self pity are subsiding. I had really nice conversations with three friends over the last couple of days and I feel that those conversations have really helped. Even though this situation sucks, it makes me appreciate that God has put such awesome people in my life to help me get through the rough times.

Fuck You Ultrasound Tech!

A big fuck you to the ultrasound tech today...

Douche Move #1: "How is your day"
Fuck you, it is shitty... I am verifying that the baby I want so much is non-existent

Douche Move #2: "Are you ready to see your baby"
Yes... Are you God? Can you make that happen? Can't you fucking look at charts before you deal with me?

Douche Move #3: "We'll things look good and you should be around 6 weeks"
Really? Actually, I should be around 10 weeks you fucking incompetent bitch.

Douche Move #4: "I can't let you see the screen, this is a medical procedure"
The last tech let me watch... What the fuck? I understand you have to do your thing and this procedure is not for my entertainment, but for fucks sake I need to feel 100% confident that this pregnancy is not progressing before I decide to end it.

I wanted so badly to take my foot out of the stirrup and kick her in the fucking face...

I didn't... I should have...

I figured that spending time in Flint's jail would probably only make things worse that they already are...

Anyway... I started spotting brown yesterday and now it has changed to pink... I postponed the D&C in hopes that my body is finally going to do something right...

I also am no longer being avoided... I think those thoughts may have been irrational and due to hormones... Maybe... I am feeling more optimistic about the situation whatever the case...

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
~Eleanor Roosevelt~

Fuck Everything...

Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Why am I struggling with this?
Why is he over it?
Why can't I get over it?
I wish I could just end it all...
All the pain and all of the hurting...
All of the fighting...
Everything...
Does this even matter to anyone but me?
I have never been the poster child for happiness and this is just bringing me down to a place lower than I have ever been...
I just want it to be over...

Ignored...

An open letter to...

Can I tell you how hard it is to be ignored? Seriously... I understand that it is uncomfortable to talk to me, especially since you are due only a couple of weeks before I was, but it totally sucks donkey balls to be ignored. I would love to know about your good news of hearing the heartbeat. Contrary to what you may believe, I am not some monster that wishes harm upon your pregnancy. I am truly happy that your dreams are coming true even though mine have been robbed from me twice. I am not heartless, just babyless... My bad luck will not rub off on you. For fucks sake am I really that intimidating? Are my tears really that much of a hassle for you to deal with?

Anyways...

Beta level update: 13,000...
Ultrasound needed on Monday...
Pregnancy #2 officially over on Wednesday, August 20th, 2008.

Coming to a Close...

This whole mess is coming to a close soon. I had an appointment today and got my betas drawn. If they have increased, even a little, I will need to get an ultrasound to confirm a non-viable pregnancy. The ultrasound will take place on Monday if needed. If the beta number drops, I will be scheduled for surgery on Wednesday. I am still scared shitless of the surgery. I have this bad gut feeling that something will go wrong. I have even dreamed that this will be how I die. Dramatic much? Anyway... The results will be in tomorrow before noon. For peace of mind, I really would like another ultrasound, but we'll see what happens. This sucks so much. I am totally numb and I am having a difficult time functioning. I hope this gets better soon...

Grrr...

Really I should be over this, but 89% of my day today was spent crying... What is so different about today? I have no idea... I have an appointment tomorrow to get my D&C scheduled... I wanted to do it naturally, but my body says fuck you... I say fuck you to my body...

Brave...

I knew that visiting my BFF'S baby boy would take a bit out of me. I handled myself pretty well during the visit and I was lucky enough to be the only visitor at the time. I really am yearning to be a mom and seeing this perfect family made me incredibly sad that it isn't working so well for me. This week I will schedule a ultrasound to verify that no growth has occurred and then I will schedule a D&C. I feel like I have to do this before school start because I just can't deal with it once I'm back.

Weeks...

I will give an update about my baby visit tomorrow...

If I would not have lost my first pregnancy, I would be 26 Weeks along...

If I would not have lost this pregnancy, I would be 9 Weeks along...

THIS FUCKING SUCKS...

My Project...

Right now I am madly working to get my classroom ready for the start of school. I am not really certain why I am doing this because I have 3 more weeks before I go back. I think that doing this project is a nice distraction from grieving and I also think that I might be getting close to agreeing to the D&C surgery. I know that it is silly to feel scarred, but I am. I am afraid that I will react badly to the anesthesia or not wake up from it. I am also afraid of blood clots and of scaring that will prevent pregnancy in the future. I really want to do this naturally, but I know I can't do this during school. Emotionally, it will be just too much. With no signs of spotting, I know that I will have to make a decision soon. I just wish it would happen naturally... I guess I fail at being pregnant and at miscarrying both...

Seeing Babies...

Today my BFF had her little boy. I think she may have been afraid to call and tell me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but even though I have insurmountable sadness for my losses I am ecstatic for her and her family. When people have miscarriages, I don't think they loath everyone who has babies, just the people who really shouldn't IE: drug-users, idiots, who abuse children, and the asshole parents at Wal-Mart that are in desperate need of parenting skills. Seeing that little boy tomorrow will no doubt remind me of my loss, but at some point I am going to have to get used to the thought that I may never be in that position and I think that I will want to be around supportive friends to do that. I know I will my visit will be short and I know afterwards that I will cry, but I think that seeing them so happy will restore a little hope in my world right now.

What to Say...

Many close family members have cut ties with me at the moment. I truly believe that this is because they don't know what to say. Here is a little guidance...

What to Say
"I'm sad for you."
"How are you doing with all this?"
"This must be hard for you."
"What can I do for you?"
"I'm sorry."
"I'm here and I want to listen."

What NOT to Say
"You're young, you can have others."
"You have an angel in heaven."
"This happened for the best."
"Better for this to happen now before you knew the baby."
"There was something wrong with the baby anyway."

Hormones...

So let me tell you about all of the fun that I am having... Even though this pregnancy is not viable, I get to deal with pregnancy hormones until my body decides it is time to let go of this pregnancy. Yesterday I woke up queasy and crabby and today I am bloated and gassy. My breasts are just finally getting to the point where the pain is bearable. My husband fails to realize this aspect of the process and I kind of want to drop kick him for his shortcomings. I must remember that he has been so good to me. At this point, I have not been talking with him much about what I am going through because his way of dealing is by moving on as quick as possible. I however need to get my feelings out by talking and I don't really have anyone to do that with. People really don't want to hear about it. I feel like they think I am being dramatic, but for me this loss was so immense to me. To want to be something so badly and then have your body fail is frustrating. I just feel so isolated in my grief.

No Words...

This picture explains it better than I can...

Fuck...

Fuck Today...

That's right... Fuck today... Why? You ask... Because no matter how much I think about all this, I still can't figure out why God is doing this to us. I think he hates us maybe... It is bad enough that I am struggling through my second loss, but then I am tortured with choosing between waiting for this to happen or get a fucking abortion... Even though they call it a D&C, it is really the same thing. Then on top of everything, I get to watch two people in my life, who are very close to me, be pregnant. Now, it is not that I wish they weren't pregnant or that somethings goes wrong, because I want it to work so badly for these people, they deserve it. It is too much to handle for me. I will meet my niece(s) or nephew(s) knowing full well that I should deliver their cousin only two short weeks after their birth. I will plan and attend stupid ass baby showers only to be asked by asinine family member about when I am planning to have children. Fuck life right now... I am so pissed off.

PS: I know that my grammar blows the big one in this post... Deal with it... Also, I am being evasive with names because the two close people haven't really shared that they are pregnant with everybody yet.

Damn, Damn, DAMN...

So disregard yesterday's entry... I have not started the process yet. Now, I know this is a lot of information to be sharing but truly this is a big part of this process. I only have two more weeks to do this, if I can't, my doctor is going to knock my ass out and do it for me. This is NOT something I want to go through. I hate hospitals and I frequently have nightmares about them. I know that this isn't an uncommon fear, but to me it is paralyzing. I will call to schedule an ultrasound on Friday of this week if nothing has happened yet. I refuse to have the doctor do this. I truly believe that my body is capable of doing this itself. I have already failed at being pregnant, I don't want to fail at miscarrying too...

Something Almost Good...

I have started spotting today! Overall this is good because it means that this hellish nightmare is ending... I woke up this morning with mild cramp. Online research and my doctor tell me this will become much more painful. I can't imagine the physical pain will even come close to matching the emotional pain though.

Pregnant Women and Babies...

Pregnant women and babies are fucking everywhere. Before I thought these were the two cutest sights ever, but now it makes me sad. It feels like I will never get to that point. I fucking hate leaving the fucking house because I just can't stand to see that kind of happiness right now. So many people are pregnant around me and I am just not handling it well. I am so happy for them, but my heart hurts for the loss that I am experiencing. I know Tony is still sad, but it is so much easier for him to just forget about it an move on. He really has not even mentioned it since like Tuesday. He is just dealing with me being a basket-case and trying to avoid any mention of it. We all have our ways of dealing I guess. Anyway, today I am staying home so I don't have to deal with seeing anyone plus I have this massive paper due today that I haven't even started. My mind has been focused elsewhere.