Almost 2 weeks...

Now that my child has been lulled asleep to the sounds of Run DMC and Aerosmith's "Walk This Way" I have a free hand to blog.

Life with a baby is amazing.

I hate that there are people that deserve this and are struggling. I pray every day that God keeps my baby safe and that those struggling couples get to experience this. I am so blessed. One year ago I was morning my second loss, now I am snuggling the love of my life.

Charlie has had endless visitors. He is such a popular man especially among the grandparents. I am happy to report that we have successfully kept this little guy alive for almost two weeks. He is nursing fairly well and on Thursday, hopefully, we'll learn that he is growing well as he has his 2nd visit to the pediatrician. The first visit was rough on me. He hadn't gained any weight and I felt horrible because I am nursing exclusively. The doctor assured us this was normal, but I still felt like shit. Our baby sleeps very well. He only wakes up once or twice in the night. At first he stayed awake all night earning the title of Mommy's Little Owl, but he has since figured things out and kept the Owl nickname because he screeches like a little owl.

I am recovering very well. You could barley tell that almost two weeks ago, I had major surgery. Stairs are hard and by night I am moving slow, but I feel great. I love that I will never have to go through labor ever again because I had a c-section and will need to deliver this way in any subsequent pregnancies.

My little man just shit so loud that he woke himself up so I need to take care of business, but I will leave you with a couple cute pictures of our baby bear.

Test #5

Still negative...
And on another note... One thing I have been asking over and over and has even made me question my faith is the "why" question... Why has all of this happened to me? Why can't we just have a baby? I think I have my "why" answer...

Negative Again...

Unless I crack the test and tilt my head just right...

Pee Stick #4

My temp is still high (for all you non-charters, this is good) so no sign of the bitchy aunt anytime today...

Negative...

No Pesky Visitor... Negative Fucking Test... Pee Stick #3... 13ish days past ovulation...

Pee Sticks...

I have no idea when I ovulated...
I am recklessly peeing on sticks...
To my best calculation, I should be 12 days past ovulation...

Last class...

And I am blogging... I can't wait to be done with this! Anyway... My body is still a little bit crazy.... I am not sure if I ovulated this week or last week... If it was this week, there is no chance of a baby... If it was last week, maybe a baby... I had some weird spotting yesterday so I am hoping it is implantation spotting, but maybe it is was ovulation spotting. If it is meant to be, it will be...

Thoughts that Float Around in my Head...

Here is a list of thoughts that float around in my head semi-frequently...



1. Is God punishing me?
Am I really that horrible of a person to not deserve a child?



2. Does God exist?
If he does, why is he letting me (and many others) experience this hurt?



3. Will I be able to handle motherhood if I am ever blessed enough to be a mom?
Job, school, etc... Will I be able to provide a good home and childhood for my nonexistent children?



4. Is something wrong with me?
Or is it bad luck?



5. Why can't I just be ecstatic when I hear about truly deserving people becoming pregnant?
I am excited, but my knee jerk reaction is always to throw a pity party for myself.



6. If I get pregnant, will I actually be able to enjoy the time?
Will I be too worried about losing it?



7. If I get pregnant again and I lose it, will I make it?
The old saying goes what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger... But honestly feel like it might kill me...



8. If I get pregnant this cycle, my due date will be...
August 23rd if your were wondering...



9. If I wouldn't have miscarried, my babies would be...
Adorable, screaming, sleeping, playing, visiting Grandma? I never will know...

10. Does this ever get easier?
I am determined to start feeling more optimistic, but honestly... It just is not working

Thankful for...

I am thankful for my husband...

I am thankful for my parents...

I am thankful for my brothers and their wives...

I am thankful that I am going to be an aunt twice in February...

I am thankful that I have such great in-laws...

I am thankful for my BFFs...

I am thankful that I have a nice home...

I am thankful that both my husband and I are employed during these tumultuous times...

I am thankful that I am almost finished with my Master's degree.

I am thankful that I have all of the material things that make my life easier to live...

I am thankful I have this blog where I can express my feelings freely...

The list could continue... I know I often complain here, but reflecting on what I have, I truly have a lot to be thankful for... Enjoy your day!

Happy Thanksgiving

A shitty day

Today I should be having a baby... My parents should be grandparents... My brothers should be uncles... Tony is nowhere around... I am going to Ikea... I fucking hate that today is like today and not the way it should be...

Today...

Today was our big appointment day and though I was nervous, it was incredibly relieving to talk with the specialist... 38 different test will be performed on me (actually my blood) on the 3rd day of my next period. Tony will have a blood test done as well... The doctor did not mention weight or lifestyle... He simply said, I want to help you have a baby... What a relief... He also said to start trying again...

Counseling is still awkward, but it might be something I consider sticking with... At least Tony won't have to deal with me venting to him...

Job... Crazy... Thanksgiving break is close... Can't wait!

School... Psycho, racist, professor... One more weekend of her bullshit...

Home... Messy... Roommate will be departing after the holidays...

Tony... Gone to Deer (Beer) camp this weekend...

I should be getting ready to have a baby... If my first pregnancy would have worked out, I would be delivering this weekend... or perhaps the little one would already be here...

Blogging from Class...

I am blogging from class... Obviously, I am engaged in learning this awesome material...

A lot is going on in my world, but not much in the baby area... I am finishing my last "book" class for my Masters degree. The next steps are to complete an internship and a thesis project. My internship was approved by my school (woot), but it is unpaid (grrr)... We have some money saved, but I am not looking forward to limited living. My thesis advisor is a great guy. I was 1 of the 5 that he chose to take on... I am pretty sure he is an old hippy, so he and I should get along well...

This week I went to see a counselor for the first time... Can we say awkward? It was really strange, but I have to do it for my Masters program and it will probably benefit me to see her, so I'll stick it out.

I also talked with the roommate last night about moving out. It felt like a step in the right direction. Tony and I just need the time as a married couple. I think it will take a lot of pressure off of me and hopefully after Christmas, I will get my house back. Tony's parents will be moving in soon for the Christmas tree season, but I know that if I can stick it out until after the holidays, things will get better, especially if John (the roommate) is out by then.

This week we have an appointment with our RE. Hopefully we'll get some answers. I am not really feeling like my body is back 100%, because my period has been extremely short and I am not convinced that I have been ovulating even though my chart says I have been. Also, my LP was only 9 days which is not really long enough.

Hopefully the appointment will be a step in the right direction, but I am afraid that they are just going to tell me to lose weight and my problems with magically disappear... Who knows... I will update after our appointment on Wednesday.

Starting a new cycle...

Well it is dreaded cycle day 1. This day always brings mixed emotions for me. This is a sign that my body is getting back to normal. I say "getting" because my LP (luteal phase) is quite short still. This is easily fixed with progesterone, but still, I wish my body were working 100% correctly like before. CD1 also means that in a few short weeks we can try to make a baby again. Even though this is the promising part, it still carries a lot of issues and worries. I wish it were really true that if I just "relax" would happen for us. If that were the case I would just schedule consecutive spa days...

AHHHHHHH!!!

My fucking husband...

Is being an asshole...

I get that guys struggle to understand how a miscarriage can affect women and I also know that I should be over this shit by now, but I am not...

Every part of me aches to have a child and each day is a reminder of what could have been...

I knew that he wouldn't remember when the first baby we were supposed to have was due, but I certainly do...

He doesn't get that when I lost my pregnancies, my dreams of becoming a mother were also lost... He doesn't get that losing your dream is one of the hardest things to lose... I lost my hope... I lost my happily ever after... I lost the ability to be in control of my emotions...

Even though these loses may only be temporary, it is hard right now...

I didn't expect a fucking pity party, but when I say "Honey, the weekend you are planning to go to deer camp is also the weekend when we were due the first time" I do expect for my husband to avoid being an asshole...

Sometimes I wonder if the reason God has said fuck you, you can't be a parent is because his infinite wisdom at work...

And a big fuck you goes out to my fucking ovaries for not releasing a fucking egg this month...

Nothing much...

Nothing much in the way of babies is happening around here. The doctor told us to wait until after this cycle to try again. I am not sure if we will or won't...

I don't usually do the what if bit because it gets me pregnant, but I have found myself asking, what if my first pregnancy had worked? I would be busting Tony's balls to finish the nursery no doubt... I would be massively huge and uncomfortable and I would still have that blissful ignorance about pregnancy.... Oh well...

Back to what is...

School is crazy. I took a massive comprehensive test over all of my grad school course work this weekend... I am certain I will be retaking this in December. It was hard and I didn't study... I still have to do counseling sessions and get my internship stuff around... Things are coming to and end. I know I will be glad I got this done before we have kids...

My job is going pretty well too... There are ups and downs, but I am 1/6 of the way through the year... Summer is just around the corner! I am organizing a massive fundraiser this week. I hope it lands me the title of Employee of the Month...

So this if life right now... Hopefully these posts will be about baby stuff again soon...

Patience (ˈpā-shənz) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances...

Today I got a call from the fertility specialist's office. The had to cancel my Monday appointment to November 19th... Boo!

The nurse did speak with me about payments though and I found out that I will only be responsible to pay my $5.00 copay for EVERYTHING... WOOT!

Apparently MESSA's (a division of Blue Cross/ Blue Shields) policy is different than Blue Cross/ Blue Shield's policy... Who knew?

At any rate, I can't wait for this cycle to be over because we can start trying next month. I am day 12 of 36ish... I pray that my body is going to be normal this cycle, but my temps are a little crazy and I haven't gotten used to taking them regularly yet...

Patience is a virtue right?

An awesome website...

Resolve. Org

I am blogging from class...
My thesis project is going to be an interesting undertaking...
Hangovers are not good...
Someone keeps farting... The silent but deadly kind... I have not been this sick since the last time I was pregnant...

Holy Batman!

30 different pages from the specialist came today for us to complete... I guess this means that they are pretty thorough...

As Promised...

More on the appointment and such...

We got referred to a specialist, but the doctor's "educated guess" is that our two miscarriages were just bad luck and she seemed optimistic for our future baby endeavors...

She has given me back some of the hope that I had lost... The doctor and I had a great conversation and I am so glad I have a great doctor to help me through this...

The worst news of the day was when the doctor told us to wait one more month... I trust her and this is a journey not a quick trip for us so we will deal with the disappointment and wait...

I am on baby asprin and she said that I could use the progesterone after I ovulate in case low pro. was the problem... This seems like a step in the right direction...

After the appointment, I was close to Babies'R'Us so I ventured in... I owed baby Beckham (My BFF'S lil' guy) a being born gift. I really needed to do this sooner (he was born on 8-8-08), but I just couldn't... I got him the cutest little outfit... It is super snuggly.

I really have always loved shopping at Babies'R'Us, not because I have needed to, but because I love to dream about the future with our little baby...

For tonight things seem okay... My period has ended almost as quickly as it came and I am back to charting again... I am glad things are progressing...

Follow-up on the Follow-up...

Today I had the follow-up appointment with my doc. Things started out less than great... Got to wait between a freaking happy couple expecting their first and a high school senior expecting her first. How fucking happy for everyone except me... Then they weighed me... Really? I am just here to talk with the doctor... Dear evil nurse: If you want to know my weight, I will tell you...

Anyway... Testing talk occurred, but as expected insurance will only cover those tests if we have 3 miscarriages...

Doctor said that she thinks it was just bad luck twice...

We were also told that we should wait another month statistically speaking for the best results... So no July baby for the Murphs...

More to come tomorrow... Right now I gotta get some snuggling time with the husband...

Attention Ladies and Gentlemen!

Warning: This is a TMI Post...

The red visitor has reared her head! If we get pregnant this cycle, we'll be expecting a baby late July...
Back to charting...
Back to trying...
If Tony was okay with the adoption option, I'd be all over it...

Off to a wine weekend up-north in TC...