No Words...

This picture explains it better than I can...

Fuck...

Fuck Today...

That's right... Fuck today... Why? You ask... Because no matter how much I think about all this, I still can't figure out why God is doing this to us. I think he hates us maybe... It is bad enough that I am struggling through my second loss, but then I am tortured with choosing between waiting for this to happen or get a fucking abortion... Even though they call it a D&C, it is really the same thing. Then on top of everything, I get to watch two people in my life, who are very close to me, be pregnant. Now, it is not that I wish they weren't pregnant or that somethings goes wrong, because I want it to work so badly for these people, they deserve it. It is too much to handle for me. I will meet my niece(s) or nephew(s) knowing full well that I should deliver their cousin only two short weeks after their birth. I will plan and attend stupid ass baby showers only to be asked by asinine family member about when I am planning to have children. Fuck life right now... I am so pissed off.

PS: I know that my grammar blows the big one in this post... Deal with it... Also, I am being evasive with names because the two close people haven't really shared that they are pregnant with everybody yet.

Damn, Damn, DAMN...

So disregard yesterday's entry... I have not started the process yet. Now, I know this is a lot of information to be sharing but truly this is a big part of this process. I only have two more weeks to do this, if I can't, my doctor is going to knock my ass out and do it for me. This is NOT something I want to go through. I hate hospitals and I frequently have nightmares about them. I know that this isn't an uncommon fear, but to me it is paralyzing. I will call to schedule an ultrasound on Friday of this week if nothing has happened yet. I refuse to have the doctor do this. I truly believe that my body is capable of doing this itself. I have already failed at being pregnant, I don't want to fail at miscarrying too...

Something Almost Good...

I have started spotting today! Overall this is good because it means that this hellish nightmare is ending... I woke up this morning with mild cramp. Online research and my doctor tell me this will become much more painful. I can't imagine the physical pain will even come close to matching the emotional pain though.

Pregnant Women and Babies...

Pregnant women and babies are fucking everywhere. Before I thought these were the two cutest sights ever, but now it makes me sad. It feels like I will never get to that point. I fucking hate leaving the fucking house because I just can't stand to see that kind of happiness right now. So many people are pregnant around me and I am just not handling it well. I am so happy for them, but my heart hurts for the loss that I am experiencing. I know Tony is still sad, but it is so much easier for him to just forget about it an move on. He really has not even mentioned it since like Tuesday. He is just dealing with me being a basket-case and trying to avoid any mention of it. We all have our ways of dealing I guess. Anyway, today I am staying home so I don't have to deal with seeing anyone plus I have this massive paper due today that I haven't even started. My mind has been focused elsewhere.