Weeks...

I will give an update about my baby visit tomorrow...

If I would not have lost my first pregnancy, I would be 26 Weeks along...

If I would not have lost this pregnancy, I would be 9 Weeks along...

THIS FUCKING SUCKS...

My Project...

Right now I am madly working to get my classroom ready for the start of school. I am not really certain why I am doing this because I have 3 more weeks before I go back. I think that doing this project is a nice distraction from grieving and I also think that I might be getting close to agreeing to the D&C surgery. I know that it is silly to feel scarred, but I am. I am afraid that I will react badly to the anesthesia or not wake up from it. I am also afraid of blood clots and of scaring that will prevent pregnancy in the future. I really want to do this naturally, but I know I can't do this during school. Emotionally, it will be just too much. With no signs of spotting, I know that I will have to make a decision soon. I just wish it would happen naturally... I guess I fail at being pregnant and at miscarrying both...

Seeing Babies...

Today my BFF had her little boy. I think she may have been afraid to call and tell me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but even though I have insurmountable sadness for my losses I am ecstatic for her and her family. When people have miscarriages, I don't think they loath everyone who has babies, just the people who really shouldn't IE: drug-users, idiots, who abuse children, and the asshole parents at Wal-Mart that are in desperate need of parenting skills. Seeing that little boy tomorrow will no doubt remind me of my loss, but at some point I am going to have to get used to the thought that I may never be in that position and I think that I will want to be around supportive friends to do that. I know I will my visit will be short and I know afterwards that I will cry, but I think that seeing them so happy will restore a little hope in my world right now.

What to Say...

Many close family members have cut ties with me at the moment. I truly believe that this is because they don't know what to say. Here is a little guidance...

What to Say
"I'm sad for you."
"How are you doing with all this?"
"This must be hard for you."
"What can I do for you?"
"I'm sorry."
"I'm here and I want to listen."

What NOT to Say
"You're young, you can have others."
"You have an angel in heaven."
"This happened for the best."
"Better for this to happen now before you knew the baby."
"There was something wrong with the baby anyway."

Hormones...

So let me tell you about all of the fun that I am having... Even though this pregnancy is not viable, I get to deal with pregnancy hormones until my body decides it is time to let go of this pregnancy. Yesterday I woke up queasy and crabby and today I am bloated and gassy. My breasts are just finally getting to the point where the pain is bearable. My husband fails to realize this aspect of the process and I kind of want to drop kick him for his shortcomings. I must remember that he has been so good to me. At this point, I have not been talking with him much about what I am going through because his way of dealing is by moving on as quick as possible. I however need to get my feelings out by talking and I don't really have anyone to do that with. People really don't want to hear about it. I feel like they think I am being dramatic, but for me this loss was so immense to me. To want to be something so badly and then have your body fail is frustrating. I just feel so isolated in my grief.